Today was a difficult day. Sometimes my job is so easy, besides all the problems people create, besides all the problems I create myself, because I have with me people that love doing their jobs.
It is *very* easy to work with people that love their jobs. It is easy to connect with them, even when we disagree, because we share the same goal. Because I can feel their passion. And I can relate to that. And I feel it too. These people I like the most, they also have their own problems to solve but they're mostly concerned on preserving this feeling. We're all in deep shit, but we've got to work together and it's something we're gonna be proud of. And we are. And fuck all the rest.
Sometimes, though. I see people obsessively worried on being perfect.Throwing your words back at you misinterpreted. Wait, what? You were talking about something else. Yes, that's exactly the confusion I felt today. I was about to say this. I was about to tell someone that this is what makes our work good, besides all the odds and egos.
And it got out of control. Suddenly it became an argument about agressiveness, about teamwork, about being right, and about people's opinions. It became shit. I became an argument about things that shouldn't be said and were. About me losing my voice, as if slapped in the face, hands almost shaking (were them shaking?), as if I had gone where I shouldn't. As if I had betrayed those I had sworn (to myself) to help.
I felt shame. And I still feel. I failed. I failed to help someone. I failed to lead. I failed to be a better person.
It will make me think twice, thrice, tetrice even. I will try harder. I just hope it never happens again, this confused feeling that feels like my failure is hurting another person. And guess what, I didn't even like the person. But it feels like I hurt myself. I don't know yet how to interpret this feeling. Shame, guilty, you name it. End of the day and my head hurts. And I guess other people's heads are hurting too.
Not a good day.
I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed
I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed
Goodbye
I wipe it off on a tile, the light is brighter this time
Everything is turning blasphemy
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I picture me
I can't control my shakes, how the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this
Is it a dream or a memory?
I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed
Get outta my head 'cause I don't need this
Why didn't I see this?
Well, I'm a victim Manchurian candidate
I have sinned by just makin' my mind up
And takin' your breath away
I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed
I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed
Goodbye
You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
The flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free
You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
The flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free
I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell I wait and bleed
I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed
And it waits for you
When I was younger, I hoped so hard people understood me. So they could understand my motivations, my decisions and all those things you sometimes do looking for appreciation and approval.
Fact is, I don't worry that much about this anymore. Yeah, I don't really care if people understand me at all.
New decisions are coming. New plans are progressing. And yet, I see ahead people saying I'm wrong. Saying I'm moving the wrong way.
Some people I care so much that I take the effort to let them know my motives. Others, those I don't care at all, they will be wondering, they may not, yet I don't care.
Oh yes, there are some I care a lot, but I just cannot open up with them until the time is right. To those I apologize, and of those, I hope they will understand. They are the exception to this post. Because in a way I'm betraying their trust. And to betray someone for me, is a major sin.
So in the Log of Eternal Worries, this is something on my mind right now.
Fact is, I don't worry that much about this anymore. Yeah, I don't really care if people understand me at all.
New decisions are coming. New plans are progressing. And yet, I see ahead people saying I'm wrong. Saying I'm moving the wrong way.
Some people I care so much that I take the effort to let them know my motives. Others, those I don't care at all, they will be wondering, they may not, yet I don't care.
Oh yes, there are some I care a lot, but I just cannot open up with them until the time is right. To those I apologize, and of those, I hope they will understand. They are the exception to this post. Because in a way I'm betraying their trust. And to betray someone for me, is a major sin.
So in the Log of Eternal Worries, this is something on my mind right now.
I need to be a bit more honest than usual today.
I'm fucking pissed off.
Hypocrisy always pisses me off. Fake moralism. The idea that you can judge someone on terms that everyone will judge correct. But perverted to the point that instead of bringing order and justice, they serve only to make others feel bad.
It makes me feel that the world is not fair, that it is impossible to win without playing dirty. That if you cannot fight back in the same coin, you are weak.
It pisses me off.
The fact that someone is completely ignoramus can even be accepted. After all, that person is at best doing harm to himself. But being a hypocrite is at another level for me. Damn, being actively hypocrite is the worst of all.
I believe no word exists to name the cruelty of an actively hypocrite person. It's downright evil, cold-hearted, outright dead. There's no return from being actively hypocrite. Once you've gone down that road. You are forever dammed to solitude. You've built for yourself a character that no one will ever love, none will ever befriend. You dig your own hole. Your life is over.
That's probably the darkest post I've ever written, and I hope I never have to touch this subject again. I give it my thoughts now, this is the Log of Eternal Worries. Here my heart connects to my soul and mind, and here I write what results from that. Sometimes... yet sometimes, we need to understand even the hypocrites.
I'm fucking pissed off.
Hypocrisy always pisses me off. Fake moralism. The idea that you can judge someone on terms that everyone will judge correct. But perverted to the point that instead of bringing order and justice, they serve only to make others feel bad.
It makes me feel that the world is not fair, that it is impossible to win without playing dirty. That if you cannot fight back in the same coin, you are weak.
It pisses me off.
The fact that someone is completely ignoramus can even be accepted. After all, that person is at best doing harm to himself. But being a hypocrite is at another level for me. Damn, being actively hypocrite is the worst of all.
I believe no word exists to name the cruelty of an actively hypocrite person. It's downright evil, cold-hearted, outright dead. There's no return from being actively hypocrite. Once you've gone down that road. You are forever dammed to solitude. You've built for yourself a character that no one will ever love, none will ever befriend. You dig your own hole. Your life is over.
That's probably the darkest post I've ever written, and I hope I never have to touch this subject again. I give it my thoughts now, this is the Log of Eternal Worries. Here my heart connects to my soul and mind, and here I write what results from that. Sometimes... yet sometimes, we need to understand even the hypocrites.
So, did I bite my tongue, since my last post?
I'd say right now that I did. The honeymoon ended, I don't know anymore if I did the right thing. Well, I was expecting some sort of comedown. There's always a comedown about new jobs, isn't there?
*But*, I'm not the type of person that worries about regret at all. I'm more like the type of person that if the plans don't work out exactly the way I planned, I simply need some time to clear my ahead again and make new plans.
What about you, what do you do when you plans don't work as you wished?
Do you have a backup plan? Do you get depressed and cry about how unfair is life? Or do your plans never fail? (Are you kidding?)
I'm thinking about being a bit more bold than what I did in the past. It won't be easy. It never is. Hard never stopped me from doing anyway. I'm not 20ish anymore though. Gotta make some plans this time so it works alright. Oh plans again, dammed word that sticks to my thoughts lately... ouch
Don't want to make sense anymore, so I should stop writing.
I'd say right now that I did. The honeymoon ended, I don't know anymore if I did the right thing. Well, I was expecting some sort of comedown. There's always a comedown about new jobs, isn't there?
*But*, I'm not the type of person that worries about regret at all. I'm more like the type of person that if the plans don't work out exactly the way I planned, I simply need some time to clear my ahead again and make new plans.
What about you, what do you do when you plans don't work as you wished?
Do you have a backup plan? Do you get depressed and cry about how unfair is life? Or do your plans never fail? (Are you kidding?)
I'm thinking about being a bit more bold than what I did in the past. It won't be easy. It never is. Hard never stopped me from doing anyway. I'm not 20ish anymore though. Gotta make some plans this time so it works alright. Oh plans again, dammed word that sticks to my thoughts lately... ouch
Don't want to make sense anymore, so I should stop writing.
So much has changed since my last post.
I had a lot of plans willing to come out, each of them calling for my attention.
What changed since then? I'll tell you, in plain, simple, direct words. I got a new job.
Does it means that all of these plans have changed? Of course not! But the change is so fundamental... Whereas until now I've been at the mercy of the uncertainty, not knowing if I'd still be working at the same company a few years from now, I finally feel that I work somewhere where I can grow career-wise.
That's a bold statement, even premature. Well, this is a feeling, right. It's supposed to be premature.
In a few months I'll be able to get a better grip on my (hopefully) new reality. So far, it does look very promising.
But I digress, I was talking about my plans and the effect of my new job on them. I'll need to rethink some of them. New doors are open, and I still ponder if any closed at all, I believe not.
It'll be fun to re-read this post in a few months. Who knows what plans I'll be making then?
I had a lot of plans willing to come out, each of them calling for my attention.
What changed since then? I'll tell you, in plain, simple, direct words. I got a new job.
Does it means that all of these plans have changed? Of course not! But the change is so fundamental... Whereas until now I've been at the mercy of the uncertainty, not knowing if I'd still be working at the same company a few years from now, I finally feel that I work somewhere where I can grow career-wise.
That's a bold statement, even premature. Well, this is a feeling, right. It's supposed to be premature.
In a few months I'll be able to get a better grip on my (hopefully) new reality. So far, it does look very promising.
But I digress, I was talking about my plans and the effect of my new job on them. I'll need to rethink some of them. New doors are open, and I still ponder if any closed at all, I believe not.
It'll be fun to re-read this post in a few months. Who knows what plans I'll be making then?
In my last post, I was trying to find what I'd be worried next. Well, it turns out that I have a lot of things to worry about, as you might have guessed.
Yeah, like, should I plan my next vacations? Should I save to buy an apartment? What certification is next? Should I enter a gym? Should I start my post-graduation studies?
As you can imagine, I want to answer YES to all of these questions. Alas, I'm just one. And that means that I've to pick one. Not an easy matter. Each of the above goals have its pros and cons. All of them, if you think dearly of each, have their pros outweighing the cons!
Now, that can be confusing, if you keep trying to weigh one over another, that is where the mistake is.
Well, pick one and go for it! That's a good answer, after all, all are good choices, any is better than none.
But one of all others is my personal favorite. Yeah! Vacation planning!! No, sorry, that *should* be my fav, but it ain't. It's pursuing my next certification, and I can give you a reasonable excuse: an advance in my certification - a significant one, is the necessary step to open doors to two other plans. Vacations and our own apartment.
That's a plan I've been procrastinating for almost a year, since I finished my CCNP. And it's about time I pull it back to the foreground again.
Oh! That brings another good Eternal Worry to the front! When, dear reader, when is the proper time to start one of your personal plans? Everybody has a plan right? Why do you keep it deep in your drawer? Why don't you start it? Why not today? Why not now?! You might say, oh that's easy for you to say, you're writing on a blog right now. So, that's not much for a plan startup...
It is. It's the materialization of my will to move my life forward. And maybe motivate you, dear reader, to help you start your plans too.
Shall we?
Yeah, like, should I plan my next vacations? Should I save to buy an apartment? What certification is next? Should I enter a gym? Should I start my post-graduation studies?
As you can imagine, I want to answer YES to all of these questions. Alas, I'm just one. And that means that I've to pick one. Not an easy matter. Each of the above goals have its pros and cons. All of them, if you think dearly of each, have their pros outweighing the cons!
Now, that can be confusing, if you keep trying to weigh one over another, that is where the mistake is.
Well, pick one and go for it! That's a good answer, after all, all are good choices, any is better than none.
But one of all others is my personal favorite. Yeah! Vacation planning!! No, sorry, that *should* be my fav, but it ain't. It's pursuing my next certification, and I can give you a reasonable excuse: an advance in my certification - a significant one, is the necessary step to open doors to two other plans. Vacations and our own apartment.
That's a plan I've been procrastinating for almost a year, since I finished my CCNP. And it's about time I pull it back to the foreground again.
Oh! That brings another good Eternal Worry to the front! When, dear reader, when is the proper time to start one of your personal plans? Everybody has a plan right? Why do you keep it deep in your drawer? Why don't you start it? Why not today? Why not now?! You might say, oh that's easy for you to say, you're writing on a blog right now. So, that's not much for a plan startup...
It is. It's the materialization of my will to move my life forward. And maybe motivate you, dear reader, to help you start your plans too.
Shall we?
My vacations ended fast, life resumed, work resumed.
Right now life is pretty good. Got a lot of bills to pay, like everyone. But we're in a new apartment. Rented it quite quickly, moved in fast... Unboxed almost everything.
I have been wondering about what to do next. Oh, I didn't mention, did I? I'm on my final week of exams and after that I'll be finally graduated... into network technologies. Two years and a half of seeing people learn the basics of networking, getting a bit smarter about our trade... I maybe even got a few new friends.
As to finishing graduation itself. I don't care. Really. You might say, "oh yeah, you don't care, then why the heck are you talking about it?" Well, because that's the hook for the question. What next? As you, dear reader, must already wonder, I'm not worried about the endings. Endings are just like targets for me. Once I hit it I want to target something else.
I'm always wondering what I'll do next. At least that's how my mind works these days...
I remember worrying about how I'd pay my bills. How I would even survive in the next month. If I were performing fine at work. If this or that pain in the ass coworker would miss work tomorrow, or die shitting in the toilet...
Well, I digress. I used to worry a lot. That's the point. Right now I'm not worrying that much at all. That's what I've been worrying about. I mean, that I'm kinda worried about not being worried at all. Confusing? Nah, not really. Worrying perhaps.
Maybe I'm more self-confident. Maybe I just know that things will work out anyway. Maybe I realized that letting things happen won't hurt a bit.
So that leaves a lot of room to do other things. Like worrying about what to do next. What was that again?
:)
Right now life is pretty good. Got a lot of bills to pay, like everyone. But we're in a new apartment. Rented it quite quickly, moved in fast... Unboxed almost everything.
I have been wondering about what to do next. Oh, I didn't mention, did I? I'm on my final week of exams and after that I'll be finally graduated... into network technologies. Two years and a half of seeing people learn the basics of networking, getting a bit smarter about our trade... I maybe even got a few new friends.
As to finishing graduation itself. I don't care. Really. You might say, "oh yeah, you don't care, then why the heck are you talking about it?" Well, because that's the hook for the question. What next? As you, dear reader, must already wonder, I'm not worried about the endings. Endings are just like targets for me. Once I hit it I want to target something else.
I'm always wondering what I'll do next. At least that's how my mind works these days...
I remember worrying about how I'd pay my bills. How I would even survive in the next month. If I were performing fine at work. If this or that pain in the ass coworker would miss work tomorrow, or die shitting in the toilet...
Well, I digress. I used to worry a lot. That's the point. Right now I'm not worrying that much at all. That's what I've been worrying about. I mean, that I'm kinda worried about not being worried at all. Confusing? Nah, not really. Worrying perhaps.
Maybe I'm more self-confident. Maybe I just know that things will work out anyway. Maybe I realized that letting things happen won't hurt a bit.
So that leaves a lot of room to do other things. Like worrying about what to do next. What was that again?
:)
Vacations! Time to work on Nothing!
I can't really remember the last time I had real vacations. No, I'm not visiting a new city, having the time of my life or walking the outback of Australia... I'm at home, playing PS3 and laying on my sofa the whole day.
What you maybe wondering, friendly reader... is "What?! You're doing nothing the whole day?" Yep, I am! Doing nothing with pride, with a complete sense that doing nothing is exactly what I had in mind for my vacations.
I've been covering my coworkers vacations and trainings since november last year, and boy, that is tiresome. Not stressful as my work marathon in '00, of course, that I hope I'll never do again. But tiresome anyway.
Alas, I'm on my 3rd official day of vacations, I still have 7 days of vacations to cover and I plan to enjoy each day doing absolutely nothing! Except, of course, eating, sleeping, drinking homebrew coffee, smoking and playing PS3! hehe
People travel on their vacations, visit their relatives, meet new people, new places... Hey, that is fun, except of course visiting relatives *grin*. If you ask if I want to do such things, yeah I want. Not these vacations, though. I enjoy all these things (no need to work on that, I'm as human as you are), but life has a lot of meaning everywhere. Be it away or at home.
Reader, when are your next vacations? Can you enjoy your vacations no matter where you are? I bet you can. Try it.
I can't really remember the last time I had real vacations. No, I'm not visiting a new city, having the time of my life or walking the outback of Australia... I'm at home, playing PS3 and laying on my sofa the whole day.
What you maybe wondering, friendly reader... is "What?! You're doing nothing the whole day?" Yep, I am! Doing nothing with pride, with a complete sense that doing nothing is exactly what I had in mind for my vacations.
I've been covering my coworkers vacations and trainings since november last year, and boy, that is tiresome. Not stressful as my work marathon in '00, of course, that I hope I'll never do again. But tiresome anyway.
Alas, I'm on my 3rd official day of vacations, I still have 7 days of vacations to cover and I plan to enjoy each day doing absolutely nothing! Except, of course, eating, sleeping, drinking homebrew coffee, smoking and playing PS3! hehe
People travel on their vacations, visit their relatives, meet new people, new places... Hey, that is fun, except of course visiting relatives *grin*. If you ask if I want to do such things, yeah I want. Not these vacations, though. I enjoy all these things (no need to work on that, I'm as human as you are), but life has a lot of meaning everywhere. Be it away or at home.
Reader, when are your next vacations? Can you enjoy your vacations no matter where you are? I bet you can. Try it.
It's been a while since I really felt the need to write. There's no real Eternal Worry troubling my mind at all. I just felt the need to vent out a bit, about some religious fanatics I saw on some blog commentaries elsewhere.
What in the damn universe were such people thinking when they gave up all reasoning and spiritualism and decided to be The Blind Zealots of The Only True Religion That Will Bring Salvation? What deturped idea is that they call Faith? Why do they say "Deus é Fiel" when they should be the faithfull ones (unless that quote states that god has such a good self-steem, I doubt it, that is, if he existedu).
Above all, why they have such idiotic need to disprove, humiliate and disrespect other religions? Where did this people read that is mandatory? Who told them that is proper attitude? Lemme answer that myself. They've never read it anywhere, and nobody told them that is how they should treat others. They're simply trying to justify arrogance and a very flaky ego behind "sacred teachings". In the end, although they boast being religiousness, they're the complete opposite of the true teachings of their religion. If religion was a belief (is it?) I'd call them hypocrites, as they'd be offended of considered a belief, I believe I need to call them... what? sinners? Nah, they've committed no sin, did they?
Dear reader, do me a favor. Ask your inner god for guidance. I bet the universe will be grateful.
What in the damn universe were such people thinking when they gave up all reasoning and spiritualism and decided to be The Blind Zealots of The Only True Religion That Will Bring Salvation? What deturped idea is that they call Faith? Why do they say "Deus é Fiel" when they should be the faithfull ones (unless that quote states that god has such a good self-steem, I doubt it, that is, if he existedu).
Above all, why they have such idiotic need to disprove, humiliate and disrespect other religions? Where did this people read that is mandatory? Who told them that is proper attitude? Lemme answer that myself. They've never read it anywhere, and nobody told them that is how they should treat others. They're simply trying to justify arrogance and a very flaky ego behind "sacred teachings". In the end, although they boast being religiousness, they're the complete opposite of the true teachings of their religion. If religion was a belief (is it?) I'd call them hypocrites, as they'd be offended of considered a belief, I believe I need to call them... what? sinners? Nah, they've committed no sin, did they?
Dear reader, do me a favor. Ask your inner god for guidance. I bet the universe will be grateful.
Oh music, glorious food to our souls... From time to time I get myself listening to some I find extremely attuned to my feelings.
This one I've listened many, many times, one of my personal favorites. (btw, I couldn't find any good lyric for this track... horrible errors of transcription, so don't mind the errors).
Blink, by Infected Mushroom.
Don't smoke, Don't drink
All I do is think
About the lifelines, hard times
Trying to be kind, such a drama player
Trying to amuse myself
Beats and waves will take my to my grave
And when I go there I know that I won't be alone
Because I've been spotted, blotted
Many, many times before
Eased and pleased, Released from my shiver
I will be flying above, the hated and the loved
And if you see me honey,
You had better blink your eyes
Strange how lines blur into one
Bond with me and have some fun
To blow our mind
This is the way to expand the time
Trouble comes in many forms
I'll show you mine if you show me yours
Walking out of the circle
Step by step I'm learning alone
That I can conquer my demons
Just need to remember my home
There's no need to be frightened
We here already, all dead
But yet on our unending vibration
Danger lurks only in my head
Come break through with me
Such wonders terrify the soul
It's real, no need to question
Knowledge infiltrates the whole
Lightning strikes in the darkest places
Threatened we have to make choices
Lizards try to tell us which one
Strange how lines blur into one
Blend with me and have some fun
Blow our mind
This is the way to expand the time
Trouble comes in many forms
I'll show you mine if you show me yours
Strange how lines blur into one
Blend with me and have some fun
Blow our mind
This is the way to expand the time
Trouble comes in many forms
I'll show you mine if you show me yours
Don't smoke, Don't drink
All I do is think
About the lifelines, hard times
Trying to be kind such a drama player
Trying to amuse myself
Beats and waves will take me to my grave
And when I go there I know that I won't be alone
Because I've been spotted, blotted
Many, many times before
Eased and pleased, released from my shiver
I will be flying above the hated and the loved
And if you see me honey
You had better blink your eyes
This one I've listened many, many times, one of my personal favorites. (btw, I couldn't find any good lyric for this track... horrible errors of transcription, so don't mind the errors).
Blink, by Infected Mushroom.
Don't smoke, Don't drink
All I do is think
About the lifelines, hard times
Trying to be kind, such a drama player
Trying to amuse myself
Beats and waves will take my to my grave
And when I go there I know that I won't be alone
Because I've been spotted, blotted
Many, many times before
Eased and pleased, Released from my shiver
I will be flying above, the hated and the loved
And if you see me honey,
You had better blink your eyes
Strange how lines blur into one
Bond with me and have some fun
To blow our mind
This is the way to expand the time
Trouble comes in many forms
I'll show you mine if you show me yours
Walking out of the circle
Step by step I'm learning alone
That I can conquer my demons
Just need to remember my home
There's no need to be frightened
We here already, all dead
But yet on our unending vibration
Danger lurks only in my head
Come break through with me
Such wonders terrify the soul
It's real, no need to question
Knowledge infiltrates the whole
Lightning strikes in the darkest places
Threatened we have to make choices
Lizards try to tell us which one
Strange how lines blur into one
Blend with me and have some fun
Blow our mind
This is the way to expand the time
Trouble comes in many forms
I'll show you mine if you show me yours
Strange how lines blur into one
Blend with me and have some fun
Blow our mind
This is the way to expand the time
Trouble comes in many forms
I'll show you mine if you show me yours
Don't smoke, Don't drink
All I do is think
About the lifelines, hard times
Trying to be kind such a drama player
Trying to amuse myself
Beats and waves will take me to my grave
And when I go there I know that I won't be alone
Because I've been spotted, blotted
Many, many times before
Eased and pleased, released from my shiver
I will be flying above the hated and the loved
And if you see me honey
You had better blink your eyes
As you can see, I'm not as worried as I used to be. To celebrate this fact, here's some power metal lyric to rise yer warrior spirit:
Demons blood and dragon fire, falling on my wings
Racing to the battle in the sky
Ancient gods are calling me I hear them when they sing
Of all the heores who wait for me to die
Beneath the cloak of magic, Ill meet them in the air
I am invisible, I move without a sound
They look but cannot find me, they think that Im not there
With a spell I send them crashing to the ground
Wait for me dragon, well meet in the sky by fire and magic I am sworn
Hell is calling! we cannot be denied fly to the blackness of the storm
We must die to be reborn
I wear a sacred talisman, I make a secret sign
Now welcome me into this wicked wind
On the journey of a shaman a dragon I must ride
The gates of hell are open! let me in!
Rule in hell or serve in heaven choose an altar or throne
All commandments and the laws of man disown
Now eat the fruit of knowledge unto no one ye atone
Into the fire with your soul!
Wait for me dragon, well meet in the sky by fire and magic I am sworn
Hell is calling! we cannot be denied fly to the blackness of the storm
We must die to be reborn
Demons blood and dragon fire, falling on my wings
Racing to the battle in the sky
Ancient gods are calling me I hear them when they sing
Of all the heores who wait for me to die
Beneath the cloak of magic, Ill meet them in the air
I am invisible, I move without a sound
They look but cannot find me, they think that Im not there
With a spell I send them crashing to the ground
Wait for me dragon, well meet in the sky by fire and magic I am sworn
Hell is calling! we cannot be denied fly to the blackness of the storm
We must die to be reborn
---
Manowar - Ride the Dragon
Demons blood and dragon fire, falling on my wings
Racing to the battle in the sky
Ancient gods are calling me I hear them when they sing
Of all the heores who wait for me to die
Beneath the cloak of magic, Ill meet them in the air
I am invisible, I move without a sound
They look but cannot find me, they think that Im not there
With a spell I send them crashing to the ground
Wait for me dragon, well meet in the sky by fire and magic I am sworn
Hell is calling! we cannot be denied fly to the blackness of the storm
We must die to be reborn
I wear a sacred talisman, I make a secret sign
Now welcome me into this wicked wind
On the journey of a shaman a dragon I must ride
The gates of hell are open! let me in!
Rule in hell or serve in heaven choose an altar or throne
All commandments and the laws of man disown
Now eat the fruit of knowledge unto no one ye atone
Into the fire with your soul!
Wait for me dragon, well meet in the sky by fire and magic I am sworn
Hell is calling! we cannot be denied fly to the blackness of the storm
We must die to be reborn
Demons blood and dragon fire, falling on my wings
Racing to the battle in the sky
Ancient gods are calling me I hear them when they sing
Of all the heores who wait for me to die
Beneath the cloak of magic, Ill meet them in the air
I am invisible, I move without a sound
They look but cannot find me, they think that Im not there
With a spell I send them crashing to the ground
Wait for me dragon, well meet in the sky by fire and magic I am sworn
Hell is calling! we cannot be denied fly to the blackness of the storm
We must die to be reborn
---
Manowar - Ride the Dragon
Lyrics are way too fun!
Work It
Make It
Do It
Makes Us
Harder
Better
Faster
Stronger
More Than
power
Our
Never
Ever
After
Work is
Over
Work It
Make It
Do It
Makes Us
Harder
Better
Faster
Stronger
Work It Harder Make It Better
Do It Faster Makes Us stronger
More Than Ever Hour After
Our Work Is Never Over
--
Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
Work It
Make It
Do It
Makes Us
Harder
Better
Faster
Stronger
More Than
power
Our
Never
Ever
After
Work is
Over
Work It
Make It
Do It
Makes Us
Harder
Better
Faster
Stronger
Work It Harder Make It Better
Do It Faster Makes Us stronger
More Than Ever Hour After
Our Work Is Never Over
--
Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
So, if you do follow my blog, you may remember that I was under a (quite futile) doubt. Should I buy a new car or an used one.
I ended up buying a new one. And I must confess, I'm in love with it. Buying a new car is really a nice and pleasant experience. Though you risk becoming too materialistic... Like being worried about someone accidentally hitting your car... or if some damn bird will poo over it.
I also spent a bit more and had one cd/mp3-player installed. Being in the car almost one hour everyday really demands music.
Anyway, it was a very good experience, I'm damn happy about it.
I'm not even worried about having 5 years of bills to pay.. ouch.
Oh, and btw.. that pic I took 2 days after I got the car. My parking lot is really ugly...
Choice, the problem is choice.
One of my all-time favorite quotes...
Choice right now has become a decision about where I'll be losing less. And in most capitalistic terms... completely out of my usual realm of decisions. Should I buy a new car or an used one.
If I buy a new car, I'll have a longer debt and I hope, fewer problems... An used car is a bit cheaper, but I can expect more problems..
Either way, I'm losing money, and that's never good. On the long run, I hope I made the right choice.
Ohh too worried to blog btw...
One of my all-time favorite quotes...
Choice right now has become a decision about where I'll be losing less. And in most capitalistic terms... completely out of my usual realm of decisions. Should I buy a new car or an used one.
If I buy a new car, I'll have a longer debt and I hope, fewer problems... An used car is a bit cheaper, but I can expect more problems..
Either way, I'm losing money, and that's never good. On the long run, I hope I made the right choice.
Ohh too worried to blog btw...
Face it, friends aren't your guardian angels. They're not there to help you no matter what, no matter the consequences or even to be there for you anytime you want.
Though the romantic view of friends is so delusive, friends are people like you. They're subject to their own moods. They've got their problems. They face difficulties. They have priorities they cannot ignore. And never forget, they chose to be your friend. They may choose otherwise, you need only to do something they cannot accept.
Think to yourself now. Why you don't have friends? Is it because you're always doing something contrary to their beliefs? Is it because you didn't listen to their counseling, when what they were doing with the best of their intentions, was giving real advice, deep from their hearts.
Oh, maybe when they were needing you most, be at work or with a personal issue, instead of being compassionate, you chose to simply ignore their feelings and needs and acted like a complete stranger.
I have few people I can call friends. Those are people I respect, those are people that respect me. They know who I am, they know who they are. They're not there anytime I want, they're not my guardian angels, they're my friends.
Though the romantic view of friends is so delusive, friends are people like you. They're subject to their own moods. They've got their problems. They face difficulties. They have priorities they cannot ignore. And never forget, they chose to be your friend. They may choose otherwise, you need only to do something they cannot accept.
Think to yourself now. Why you don't have friends? Is it because you're always doing something contrary to their beliefs? Is it because you didn't listen to their counseling, when what they were doing with the best of their intentions, was giving real advice, deep from their hearts.
Oh, maybe when they were needing you most, be at work or with a personal issue, instead of being compassionate, you chose to simply ignore their feelings and needs and acted like a complete stranger.
I have few people I can call friends. Those are people I respect, those are people that respect me. They know who I am, they know who they are. They're not there anytime I want, they're not my guardian angels, they're my friends.
There we go, I'm now 30 years old.
New year, new job. Old quotes... Today I care not, I worry not and have no intention of making any sense. My words shall come in any order I find it coming and without any special meaning at all. So, be a kind reader and play along if you will.
"Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose." It's been some 15 years since I read that phrase for the first time, and it still rings very true to my ears.
And like Paul Atreides said, "I will not fear, fear is the mind-killer", let another thirty years come by, then I'll look back to it's path. Only I will remain.
As Roland of Gilead said, and as I've repeated many many times. "I have not forgotten the face of my father."
Oh, and by the way... I hope that when I reach the top of the Dark Tower, it doesn't send me back to the desert like it did to Roland.
Gotta find some new books to read, or maybe re-read some old ones :)
Happy birthday to me! :D
New year, new job. Old quotes... Today I care not, I worry not and have no intention of making any sense. My words shall come in any order I find it coming and without any special meaning at all. So, be a kind reader and play along if you will.
"Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose." It's been some 15 years since I read that phrase for the first time, and it still rings very true to my ears.
And like Paul Atreides said, "I will not fear, fear is the mind-killer", let another thirty years come by, then I'll look back to it's path. Only I will remain.
As Roland of Gilead said, and as I've repeated many many times. "I have not forgotten the face of my father."
Oh, and by the way... I hope that when I reach the top of the Dark Tower, it doesn't send me back to the desert like it did to Roland.
Gotta find some new books to read, or maybe re-read some old ones :)
Happy birthday to me! :D
A friend from my work got kidney stones... Time to open an exception on my blog and post in portuguese, to honor him. (Dark humour)
No meio do caminho tinha uma pedra
tinha uma pedra no meio do caminho
tinha uma pedra
no meio do caminho tinha uma pedra.
Nunca me esquecerei desse acontecimento
na vida de minhas retinas tão fatigadas.
Nunca me esquecerei que no meio do caminho
tinha uma pedra
tinha uma pedra no meio do caminho
no meio do caminho tinha uma pedra
No meio do caminho tinha uma pedra
tinha uma pedra no meio do caminho
tinha uma pedra
no meio do caminho tinha uma pedra.
Nunca me esquecerei desse acontecimento
na vida de minhas retinas tão fatigadas.
Nunca me esquecerei que no meio do caminho
tinha uma pedra
tinha uma pedra no meio do caminho
no meio do caminho tinha uma pedra
Some days you wake up not knowing why you're here, some days you want to forget what life is all about. Some days you just want to be in bed waiting for things to happen, you watching life happening and doing nothing about it...
Yeah, my mood ain't great today. Anyway, here's a little lyric of one of my favorite songs:
Some days are dry, some days are leaky
Some days come clean, other days are sneaky
Some days take less, but most days take more
Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor
Some days you're quick, but most days you're speedy
Some days you use more force than is necessary
Some days just drop in on us
Some days are better than others
Some days it all adds up
And what you got is not enough
Some days are better than others
Some days are slippy, other days sloppy
Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy
Your skin is white but you think you're a brother
Some days are better than others
Some days you wake up with her complaining
Some sunny days you wish it was raining
Some days are sulky, some days have a grin
And some days have bouncers and won't let you in
Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Some days are better than others
Some days are honest, some days are not
Some days you're thankful for what you've got
Some days you wake up in the army
And some days it's the enemy
Some days are work, most days you're lazy
Some days you feel like a bit of a baby
Lookin' for Jesus and His mother
Some days are better than others
Some days you feel ahead
You're making sense of what she said
Some days are better than others
Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Some days are better than others
Yeah, my mood ain't great today. Anyway, here's a little lyric of one of my favorite songs:
Some days are dry, some days are leaky
Some days come clean, other days are sneaky
Some days take less, but most days take more
Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor
Some days you're quick, but most days you're speedy
Some days you use more force than is necessary
Some days just drop in on us
Some days are better than others
Some days it all adds up
And what you got is not enough
Some days are better than others
Some days are slippy, other days sloppy
Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy
Your skin is white but you think you're a brother
Some days are better than others
Some days you wake up with her complaining
Some sunny days you wish it was raining
Some days are sulky, some days have a grin
And some days have bouncers and won't let you in
Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Some days are better than others
Some days are honest, some days are not
Some days you're thankful for what you've got
Some days you wake up in the army
And some days it's the enemy
Some days are work, most days you're lazy
Some days you feel like a bit of a baby
Lookin' for Jesus and His mother
Some days are better than others
Some days you feel ahead
You're making sense of what she said
Some days are better than others
Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Some days are better than others
Nostalgia time!
Windows 3.0 was launched in 1990! And today sites over the Net reported that MS finally stopped licensing Win3.x... Of course this is not what The Log of Eternal Worries is about.
I just remembered that when I was a kid, back in 1990 give or add a year or two, I created my first BASIC programs, silly things like
10 PRINT Digite seu nome
20 PRINT Idiota, nao sabe nem seu nome! Tente novamente!
30 GOTO 10
That means some 18 years I got into this wild ride of technology... If you discard when I was even younger and I went to moms office to play blackjack, poker and stunts on the accounting PC.
Maybe those days shaped my childhood dreams, well, maybe this is fate playing its greatest prank on me... Anyway, I hope your job today is what you dreamed as a child. That's what Nostalgia is about.
Windows 3.0 was launched in 1990! And today sites over the Net reported that MS finally stopped licensing Win3.x... Of course this is not what The Log of Eternal Worries is about.
I just remembered that when I was a kid, back in 1990 give or add a year or two, I created my first BASIC programs, silly things like
10 PRINT Digite seu nome
20 PRINT Idiota, nao sabe nem seu nome! Tente novamente!
30 GOTO 10
That means some 18 years I got into this wild ride of technology... If you discard when I was even younger and I went to moms office to play blackjack, poker and stunts on the accounting PC.
Maybe those days shaped my childhood dreams, well, maybe this is fate playing its greatest prank on me... Anyway, I hope your job today is what you dreamed as a child. That's what Nostalgia is about.
Shitty things happen sometimes. Like someone shitting in your head leaving you to clean up the mess, driving you nuts in the process.
Damn, just hate being told to act like a sheep. To be told to simply walk around the rock... But anyway that's one way of dealing with (brainless) rocks. Just walk around it and keep going. When you look back, the rock is smaller and smaller, you're far down the road, and the useless rock is still there, at the same place, doing exactly the same thing. (Nothing, of course. What does a rock do?)
Damn, just hate being told to act like a sheep. To be told to simply walk around the rock... But anyway that's one way of dealing with (brainless) rocks. Just walk around it and keep going. When you look back, the rock is smaller and smaller, you're far down the road, and the useless rock is still there, at the same place, doing exactly the same thing. (Nothing, of course. What does a rock do?)
I sometimes wonder what comes after life. Yeah, death alright, but is there afterlife? Is it paradise? Do we queue on line again to be born as an animal or plant, based on our actions?
In my wildest theories... And I warned you this is a wild theory, I believe that everyone around me that dies simply die and disappear, their only meaning in life is to teach me something. Then you wonder, what happens when I die? Well, when the day comes that I die, everything will die with me. Yes, like the game name, The World Ends With You. I don't mean you will be living. Not at all. I'll die and the game is over. The lesson is learned. Whatever "I" was thinking when "I" decided to create this huge thing called reality will end and "I" will probably wonder what to do next. Which inevitably means "I"'ll rerun reality again, but put "myself" on another perspective, which means, of course, someone else.
As I told you before. It is one my wildest theories. The Life is at whole, a simple game of perspective. You and I, we're all the same. Maybe you cannot connect to the quintessential link that exists between everything... but I believe I glimpsed it, in my mind's eye. It is crazy, pointless and infinite. It won't cease and quite frankly, I like it the way it is. Let fiction be the realm of nightmares come true.
(No, I'm not high on any drug, legal or illegal. But my friend's death got my imagination on a wild spin, let this be my way of honoring him).
In my wildest theories... And I warned you this is a wild theory, I believe that everyone around me that dies simply die and disappear, their only meaning in life is to teach me something. Then you wonder, what happens when I die? Well, when the day comes that I die, everything will die with me. Yes, like the game name, The World Ends With You. I don't mean you will be living. Not at all. I'll die and the game is over. The lesson is learned. Whatever "I" was thinking when "I" decided to create this huge thing called reality will end and "I" will probably wonder what to do next. Which inevitably means "I"'ll rerun reality again, but put "myself" on another perspective, which means, of course, someone else.
As I told you before. It is one my wildest theories. The Life is at whole, a simple game of perspective. You and I, we're all the same. Maybe you cannot connect to the quintessential link that exists between everything... but I believe I glimpsed it, in my mind's eye. It is crazy, pointless and infinite. It won't cease and quite frankly, I like it the way it is. Let fiction be the realm of nightmares come true.
(No, I'm not high on any drug, legal or illegal. But my friend's death got my imagination on a wild spin, let this be my way of honoring him).
I just had the perfect idea for a short vacation near to our 8th year together.
8 is a magic number, it means a lot for us. The symbol is so strong I can draw inumerous meanings of it.
We're opposites. Complete different universes coming together.
By the way, is it my imagination, or being awake for +20h straight is making me a bit delusional? Anyway I know now the surprise that is coming for my love on our next celebration for being together.
Maybe I'm a bit gray most of the time. But I got my moments. That's for sure.
8 is a magic number, it means a lot for us. The symbol is so strong I can draw inumerous meanings of it.
We're opposites. Complete different universes coming together.
By the way, is it my imagination, or being awake for +20h straight is making me a bit delusional? Anyway I know now the surprise that is coming for my love on our next celebration for being together.
Maybe I'm a bit gray most of the time. But I got my moments. That's for sure.
Time is moving fast these days.
I got a new dog, perfect gift for me and Jú. It's name is Pietra, I know, it's not a dog's name, but it came with a name, who am I to change the name of a living thing?
This isn't the happy dog owner blog, though. This is the Log of Eternal Worries. So I must ask, how can someone understand that sometimes, when you think that everyone around you has become enemies, that it's not the world that is full of enemies, but simply, you're fighting yourself. Damn, late night philosophy makes my english skills fail miserably.
Lemme try again: If you believe that everybody around you is your enemy, think again. You are your worst enemy.
I like to think that I flow with Tao. If you see an enemy in me, an enemy I will be. If you see a friend in me, you have all my friendship.
Just remembered a good quote now: "Easy to forgive, hard to forget", something like that. Great thought to go to bed.
I got a new dog, perfect gift for me and Jú. It's name is Pietra, I know, it's not a dog's name, but it came with a name, who am I to change the name of a living thing?
This isn't the happy dog owner blog, though. This is the Log of Eternal Worries. So I must ask, how can someone understand that sometimes, when you think that everyone around you has become enemies, that it's not the world that is full of enemies, but simply, you're fighting yourself. Damn, late night philosophy makes my english skills fail miserably.
Lemme try again: If you believe that everybody around you is your enemy, think again. You are your worst enemy.
I like to think that I flow with Tao. If you see an enemy in me, an enemy I will be. If you see a friend in me, you have all my friendship.
Just remembered a good quote now: "Easy to forgive, hard to forget", something like that. Great thought to go to bed.
BOFH rocks!
Look at this:
"The 'great' thing about crap engineers is that they don't let something like not knowing anything about the product hamper them in any way. They're quite prepared to lift the cover on something, pull the memory out, hold the memory in their mouth while they bend a couple of heatsinks out of the way looking for a loose wire, shove the memory back in the slot, reseat it with a small amount of pressure, a medium amount of pressure, a large amount of pressure, then realise it's in the wrong way and repeat the pressure install method, shut the cover then realise they've been working on the wrong machine the whole time - and maybe they should have turned the power off first..."
Perfect for a fortune cookie. :)
Look at this:
"The 'great' thing about crap engineers is that they don't let something like not knowing anything about the product hamper them in any way. They're quite prepared to lift the cover on something, pull the memory out, hold the memory in their mouth while they bend a couple of heatsinks out of the way looking for a loose wire, shove the memory back in the slot, reseat it with a small amount of pressure, a medium amount of pressure, a large amount of pressure, then realise it's in the wrong way and repeat the pressure install method, shut the cover then realise they've been working on the wrong machine the whole time - and maybe they should have turned the power off first..."
Perfect for a fortune cookie. :)
Last night I had again one of my most pleasant dreams... Of flying!
That's almost the best type of dream I can have (think for yourself what's the best one).
I did a little google on it. Lucid Dreaming! It's been ages since I recall having lucid dreams (at least, of the sort that scared me to hell), and I was trying to remember... I've had a lot of flying dreams lately. I gotta tell you, it's one of the best feelings I have when dreaming.
I cannot totally direct my flying, I know though that I'm moving faster, gliding and that I can move just by thinking... like levitating. It's weird, I know. And the curious thing: I feel like I remembered how to fly. It seems that as soon as I wake up, though, I forget how, unfortunately. But I feel weightless, and though the dreamworld is somewhat delimited in paths, I know I'm moving a lot faster than other people.
I wished I could control it more... not sure what is the use for that, but it's a really cool way to have fun.
That's almost the best type of dream I can have (think for yourself what's the best one).
I did a little google on it. Lucid Dreaming! It's been ages since I recall having lucid dreams (at least, of the sort that scared me to hell), and I was trying to remember... I've had a lot of flying dreams lately. I gotta tell you, it's one of the best feelings I have when dreaming.
I cannot totally direct my flying, I know though that I'm moving faster, gliding and that I can move just by thinking... like levitating. It's weird, I know. And the curious thing: I feel like I remembered how to fly. It seems that as soon as I wake up, though, I forget how, unfortunately. But I feel weightless, and though the dreamworld is somewhat delimited in paths, I know I'm moving a lot faster than other people.
I wished I could control it more... not sure what is the use for that, but it's a really cool way to have fun.
The world ends with you!
Yes, I'm a lazy poster... but I gotta tell you. This is the best game I've played recently. And the best Nintendo DS game I've ever played... Not that I played many games in the DS... but this one is the best.
The story is so tuned to my mind and beliefs, it's hard to believe, but it is.
I hope to see more games in the franchise...
Now returning to some eternal worries... Life goes on. :D
Yes, I'm a lazy poster... but I gotta tell you. This is the best game I've played recently. And the best Nintendo DS game I've ever played... Not that I played many games in the DS... but this one is the best.
The story is so tuned to my mind and beliefs, it's hard to believe, but it is.
I hope to see more games in the franchise...
Now returning to some eternal worries... Life goes on. :D
In 2008 I will complete 3 decades.
According to some specialists, it means I have about 10, 15 years of good work ahead, then some more years reaping results, until I retire, in about some 30 years at least.
I've been working since I was 14, that's almost 16 years of work already. Although I got very little financially from all these years, I believe I learned a way more a lot of people ever learn in their whole lives.
I know this sounds a bit arrogant. It is not meant to be. What I know won't get me rich any soon, neither will give me superpowers... perhaps I live a better life than a lot of people, yet I don't enjoy a lot of things a lot of people do.
Getting to the point of this post. What you know isn't enough to get you where you want. I know this now. Some choices I kinda regret but I won't turn back. I will do the best I can with what I have now and wait to see where it will take me.
There are other worlds than this, and in good time I'll have another chance.
(sorry for the dark mood)
According to some specialists, it means I have about 10, 15 years of good work ahead, then some more years reaping results, until I retire, in about some 30 years at least.
I've been working since I was 14, that's almost 16 years of work already. Although I got very little financially from all these years, I believe I learned a way more a lot of people ever learn in their whole lives.
I know this sounds a bit arrogant. It is not meant to be. What I know won't get me rich any soon, neither will give me superpowers... perhaps I live a better life than a lot of people, yet I don't enjoy a lot of things a lot of people do.
Getting to the point of this post. What you know isn't enough to get you where you want. I know this now. Some choices I kinda regret but I won't turn back. I will do the best I can with what I have now and wait to see where it will take me.
There are other worlds than this, and in good time I'll have another chance.
(sorry for the dark mood)
Happy anniversary for me! I know, I'm late congratulating myself, but here it is!
Xmas was great, just me and Jú. What is more unbelievable of all is that we did absolutely nothing different we ever do on long holidays! Apart from the fact we got a very good xmas dinner, of course.
This is what I believe makes me feel even more happier. I know now (I quite knew it already, but I feel a lot more confident) that we're perfect. To think we just stood lazying around, happy for doing nothing at all, just being with each other... after almost seven years together is incredible for me.
This was the best gift I could ever win, so immaterial, so ethereal... but deeply real and as good as it gets.
Xmas was great, just me and Jú. What is more unbelievable of all is that we did absolutely nothing different we ever do on long holidays! Apart from the fact we got a very good xmas dinner, of course.
This is what I believe makes me feel even more happier. I know now (I quite knew it already, but I feel a lot more confident) that we're perfect. To think we just stood lazying around, happy for doing nothing at all, just being with each other... after almost seven years together is incredible for me.
This was the best gift I could ever win, so immaterial, so ethereal... but deeply real and as good as it gets.
Another birthday is coming! So much has changed, yet so much is still the same. It's good to know that some of the best parts of my day life still exist. I still have time for some fun reading and listening to good music, I still have time to watch good sci-fi and nerd around the Internet.
This is going to be a short post. I just wanted to point it out this. Do you feel you're living out your life? Do you believe you're getting something out of this?
I do. I am. I had my rough days in the past, and I know for sure these days always come back. But I'm ready for it. And besides a few bad days, I've been ready all my life.
This is going to be a short post. I just wanted to point it out this. Do you feel you're living out your life? Do you believe you're getting something out of this?
I do. I am. I had my rough days in the past, and I know for sure these days always come back. But I'm ready for it. And besides a few bad days, I've been ready all my life.
Now for a bit of English Poetry:
"Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."
Aye, I know this is different from my usual posts. Yet so much like an Eternal Worries post. The thing is. I want to be such heroic person. Of course not in such proportions, even less in heroic adventures... But I don't want to leave ridiculous tales to my children. I hear stories of people that can only be desperate or completely clueless. How will such people feel, in the future, remembering those stories? Would they be ashamed? Would they regret? Would they laugh and judge everyone complete fools for believing those stories?
I want not an idle fate, of lies and deception and lost friends. I want not to enter to history as an lost cause, as someone whose past is to be laughed from. I want nice tales and bravery stories, of new old friends and glorious gold. I want no shame of things I did, be it yesterday or yester that year.
"Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."
Aye, I know this is different from my usual posts. Yet so much like an Eternal Worries post. The thing is. I want to be such heroic person. Of course not in such proportions, even less in heroic adventures... But I don't want to leave ridiculous tales to my children. I hear stories of people that can only be desperate or completely clueless. How will such people feel, in the future, remembering those stories? Would they be ashamed? Would they regret? Would they laugh and judge everyone complete fools for believing those stories?
I want not an idle fate, of lies and deception and lost friends. I want not to enter to history as an lost cause, as someone whose past is to be laughed from. I want nice tales and bravery stories, of new old friends and glorious gold. I want no shame of things I did, be it yesterday or yester that year.
Walking back home a few days ago, I summoned another Storm of Change. Incredible how the world is thin, how superstitions play such a big role in our lives.
I feel strangely powerful for being able to harness the Winds of Change, of being able to make the world move on.
Trust your guns.
I evoke again the Gunslingers Creed. It may sound a bit dark, as I am in a bit of a dark mood (I'm reading the last book, and it's got some creepy parts), but be assured, It shows only my determination.
"I do not aim with my hand,
He who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father;
I aim with my eye.
I do not shoot with my gun,
He who shoots with his gun has forgotten the face of his father;
I shoot with my mind.
I do not kill with my gun,
He who kills with his gun has forgotten the face of his father;
I kill with my heart."
I haven't forgotten your face, Father.
And the world is moving on.
I feel strangely powerful for being able to harness the Winds of Change, of being able to make the world move on.
Trust your guns.
I evoke again the Gunslingers Creed. It may sound a bit dark, as I am in a bit of a dark mood (I'm reading the last book, and it's got some creepy parts), but be assured, It shows only my determination.
"I do not aim with my hand,
He who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father;
I aim with my eye.
I do not shoot with my gun,
He who shoots with his gun has forgotten the face of his father;
I shoot with my mind.
I do not kill with my gun,
He who kills with his gun has forgotten the face of his father;
I kill with my heart."
I haven't forgotten your face, Father.
And the world is moving on.
As always, music has such powerful influence over me.
Drumbeats, guitar riffs, synthesized sounds. Overwhelming layers of complex melodies. Dirty distortions, fade-ins, fade-outs, incredible tasty clicks. Lovely, sexy, gorgeous vocals. Ambiguous, evil and subliminar samples. Life energy waves in form of sound.
I listen to music and I love it. Where is life for people that don't enjoy good music?
Drumbeats, guitar riffs, synthesized sounds. Overwhelming layers of complex melodies. Dirty distortions, fade-ins, fade-outs, incredible tasty clicks. Lovely, sexy, gorgeous vocals. Ambiguous, evil and subliminar samples. Life energy waves in form of sound.
I listen to music and I love it. Where is life for people that don't enjoy good music?
Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family.
Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars,
compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good
health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed
interest mortage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your
friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a
three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics.
Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning.
Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing
game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose
rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable
home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up
brats you spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future.
Choose life.
John Hodge
Most probably, I've already posted this marvelous piece of poetry here. But it deserves to be remembered, as all good things in life.
Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars,
compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good
health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed
interest mortage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your
friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a
three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics.
Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning.
Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing
game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose
rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable
home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up
brats you spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future.
Choose life.
John Hodge
Most probably, I've already posted this marvelous piece of poetry here. But it deserves to be remembered, as all good things in life.
It's a month since my last post. Curiously, this is the hardest winter of my life, obviously, because I'm living in one of the coldest cities of Brazil. There were several mornings where the temperature went as low as 1 degree
Celsius...
Anyway, I'm learning new habilities, like typing with two pairs of gloves, wearing two pairs of socks and wearing a ton of clothes and maintaining any flexibility at all. :)
The thing is, yes, cold is hard, but I'm good. Once one friend told me that that harsh environments helps people get tougher, I do believe him. Actually, I've read it too, so, I'm sure he is right.
What I know for sure is that being here is great. I'm feeling each day more and more centered. As if I'm where I should be. Things will start to happen now, as I've been expecting all these years.
Celsius...
Anyway, I'm learning new habilities, like typing with two pairs of gloves, wearing two pairs of socks and wearing a ton of clothes and maintaining any flexibility at all. :)
The thing is, yes, cold is hard, but I'm good. Once one friend told me that that harsh environments helps people get tougher, I do believe him. Actually, I've read it too, so, I'm sure he is right.
What I know for sure is that being here is great. I'm feeling each day more and more centered. As if I'm where I should be. Things will start to happen now, as I've been expecting all these years.
In the eternal quest for happiness, man is never satisfied with his actual condition.
We are like hungry beasts, always wishing for more and more.
Give me a good job, I want a raise. Give me a good wife, and I want her all the time I can!
Yeah, don't get me wrong. I don't want two jobs, or two wives. All I want is one of each, and the best of each, of course. Don't expect me to hop job after job longing for the same job as you, don't expect me to go in wild adventures taking worthless risks all for the ridiculous idea that this is what "living" should be.
I know life, I may be less than thirty yet, but I know life. Some years ago I wouldn't be so sure of that, but now I know.
All this rapid change re-made me. What before required deep thinking and meditation now comes easier. You probably doesn't understand what the hell I'm talking about, nevermind. I'm just saying that I can see things clearer now than before.
We are like hungry beasts, always wishing for more and more.
Give me a good job, I want a raise. Give me a good wife, and I want her all the time I can!
Yeah, don't get me wrong. I don't want two jobs, or two wives. All I want is one of each, and the best of each, of course. Don't expect me to hop job after job longing for the same job as you, don't expect me to go in wild adventures taking worthless risks all for the ridiculous idea that this is what "living" should be.
I know life, I may be less than thirty yet, but I know life. Some years ago I wouldn't be so sure of that, but now I know.
All this rapid change re-made me. What before required deep thinking and meditation now comes easier. You probably doesn't understand what the hell I'm talking about, nevermind. I'm just saying that I can see things clearer now than before.
I don't like to goad, really.
Last post I was goading, but thinking it would happen. But it not only happened but happened sourly.
The Great Architect, it seems, either sacrificed his horse, of asked a boon of faith. I'm not sure, as I don't follow that old religion.
All I know is that sins are punished. Lucky me that have no religion on old gods.
Last post I was goading, but thinking it would happen. But it not only happened but happened sourly.
The Great Architect, it seems, either sacrificed his horse, of asked a boon of faith. I'm not sure, as I don't follow that old religion.
All I know is that sins are punished. Lucky me that have no religion on old gods.
Fate is a very powerful concept.
The feeling that something is happening out of Fate is very mystic. Experiencing Fate is like touching the powers that shape our reality.
I must confess I've been so sad about recent happenings. Having your work unacknowledged, worst of all, for reasons totally unrelated to you or your work. Out of old greed, invoking old powers.
Curiously, trying to blame failure upon something that didn't failed, only hoping it will mislead and confuse, is a very bad escape route. It may work and look quite easy. Smart even. But it is totally bound to fail. Fated.
And Fate made it's rules be obeyed and Fate created failure. I may not be faithful on religions. But I do not pretend to believe in them. I know Gods have their tempers and tempers should be feared.
The Great Architect of the Universe, if I can say His title without blasphemy, just made it true that some Rules should be obeyed.
Oh, I'm not Mason, nor want to be. I am free from god bounds. I pay my price but I have no sins. Sins are to be punished, be sure of that. Old Gods never forgive and never forget.
The feeling that something is happening out of Fate is very mystic. Experiencing Fate is like touching the powers that shape our reality.
I must confess I've been so sad about recent happenings. Having your work unacknowledged, worst of all, for reasons totally unrelated to you or your work. Out of old greed, invoking old powers.
Curiously, trying to blame failure upon something that didn't failed, only hoping it will mislead and confuse, is a very bad escape route. It may work and look quite easy. Smart even. But it is totally bound to fail. Fated.
And Fate made it's rules be obeyed and Fate created failure. I may not be faithful on religions. But I do not pretend to believe in them. I know Gods have their tempers and tempers should be feared.
The Great Architect of the Universe, if I can say His title without blasphemy, just made it true that some Rules should be obeyed.
Oh, I'm not Mason, nor want to be. I am free from god bounds. I pay my price but I have no sins. Sins are to be punished, be sure of that. Old Gods never forgive and never forget.
Infected Mushroom once was a proud Israeli trance project.
They made driving, psychedelic, completely overwhelming music. It cranked your mind into a level of deep concentration, it made you suddenly realize there are depths into our minds that few have the knowledge to unlock.
Most people listened to old Infected Mushroom and only skimmed into it's deepness. They listened to it and said, "Hey, that's powerful music". I know better.
Infected Mushroom changed a lot. Their music is still powerfull. It is still deep. It's wonderfully, masterfully layered. But it is not Israeli trance anymore.
I must confess I miss israeli. Real, true to it's origins israeli.
But I must confess too this new Infected (not so new, but a lot more mature into it's newness than before) is also very, very good. I'm listening to it shaking a bit (from the cold, it's damned cold) but with hot ears and heart.
This is wonderfull. Totally impressive.
They made driving, psychedelic, completely overwhelming music. It cranked your mind into a level of deep concentration, it made you suddenly realize there are depths into our minds that few have the knowledge to unlock.
Most people listened to old Infected Mushroom and only skimmed into it's deepness. They listened to it and said, "Hey, that's powerful music". I know better.
Infected Mushroom changed a lot. Their music is still powerfull. It is still deep. It's wonderfully, masterfully layered. But it is not Israeli trance anymore.
I must confess I miss israeli. Real, true to it's origins israeli.
But I must confess too this new Infected (not so new, but a lot more mature into it's newness than before) is also very, very good. I'm listening to it shaking a bit (from the cold, it's damned cold) but with hot ears and heart.
This is wonderfull. Totally impressive.
No limits allowed, cause there's much crowd
Microphone check as I choose my route
I'm playing on the rope,I've got no fear
The sound from my mouth is the rap you hear
No valley too deep, no mountain too high
Reach the top, touch the sky
You try to dis me cause I sell out
I'm making techno and now I am proud
No no limits, we'll reach for the sky
No valley to deep, no mountain to high
No no limits, won't give up the fight
We do what we want and we do it with pride
Microphone check as I choose my route
I'm playing on the rope,I've got no fear
The sound from my mouth is the rap you hear
No valley too deep, no mountain too high
Reach the top, touch the sky
You try to dis me cause I sell out
I'm making techno and now I am proud
No no limits, we'll reach for the sky
No valley to deep, no mountain to high
No no limits, won't give up the fight
We do what we want and we do it with pride
It's no surprise change means adaptation. We've moved on and now things have changed and we must adapt.
It is not an easy thing for some to adapt. I do try to understand this. I know adaptation is difficult. I get myself unaware I'm resisting change sometimes. But we must adapt.
We're getting closer to completing two months here. Things still are far from good. Things are way better than they ever been, yet there is so much room for improvement.
I'm feeling another Eternal Worry right now. I don't know what future holds these days. But I see renewed strenght and vitality. I hope I can be strong enough, I hope I can understand enough and I hope I can adapt fast enough.
Why things change? I'm not complaining, I'm just asking.
It is not an easy thing for some to adapt. I do try to understand this. I know adaptation is difficult. I get myself unaware I'm resisting change sometimes. But we must adapt.
We're getting closer to completing two months here. Things still are far from good. Things are way better than they ever been, yet there is so much room for improvement.
I'm feeling another Eternal Worry right now. I don't know what future holds these days. But I see renewed strenght and vitality. I hope I can be strong enough, I hope I can understand enough and I hope I can adapt fast enough.
Why things change? I'm not complaining, I'm just asking.
In less than two months here, I've lived what I haven't in almost six years.
I'm still slowly waking up. I'm still slowly catching up.
I feel like my brain was frozen and it's coming back to life. As if my legs are shorter than the strides I want to do.
I'm impatient to improve, to learn and do more.
Finally I found a path. Finally the world moved on.
I'm still slowly waking up. I'm still slowly catching up.
I feel like my brain was frozen and it's coming back to life. As if my legs are shorter than the strides I want to do.
I'm impatient to improve, to learn and do more.
Finally I found a path. Finally the world moved on.
The Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear holds true to its meaning and it shows my mood.
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
The storm is gone, I have not feared and only I remain.
I've looked into it's core, I have seen the fear and the eye of the storm. The storm I've summoned and that I wished stronger than all, and I remain.
Life is good again, the path is set and the sky is clear.
My future resumes it's way.
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
The storm is gone, I have not feared and only I remain.
I've looked into it's core, I have seen the fear and the eye of the storm. The storm I've summoned and that I wished stronger than all, and I remain.
Life is good again, the path is set and the sky is clear.
My future resumes it's way.
Since my last post was a lyric, I guess I'll post a very old one, from a movie that marked deeply in my childhood memories, I've had the luck to watch the movie again and here it is, very cheesy, and f**k whoever that didn't like that movie.
"Turn around, look at what you see
In her face, the mirror of your dreams
Make believe I'm everywhere, living in your eyes
Written on the pages is the answer to our neverending story
In your hand, the birth of a new day
Lives that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds
And there upon the rainbow is the answer to our neverending story"
"Turn around, look at what you see
In her face, the mirror of your dreams
Make believe I'm everywhere, living in your eyes
Written on the pages is the answer to our neverending story
Reach the stars, fly a fantasy
Dream a dream, and what you see will be
Lives that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds
And there upon the rainbow is the answer to our neverending story
In your hand, the birth of a new day
Lives that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds
And there upon the rainbow is the answer to our neverending story"
'The time has come, to lift the veil, from this illusion. To see things, as they really are! The time has come, for a new beginning. The time has come... so let go, let go, let go!'
'Find a guide, inside yourself, to lift your inner vision. And see yourself, as you really are! Time speeds up, accelerating evolution. The time has come... so wake up, wake up, wake up!'
Space Tribe - You Create Your Own Reality
'Find a guide, inside yourself, to lift your inner vision. And see yourself, as you really are! Time speeds up, accelerating evolution. The time has come... so wake up, wake up, wake up!'
Space Tribe - You Create Your Own Reality
While I'm getting ready for the next storm, with my mind in the future, I can feel a tug on my sleeve. The past is trying to hold me and tries to make me stay.
It is the final proof I don't want those problems of the past again and that I am definitely taking the right decision. My life will be better far away from this city, not only because opportunities will be better, but simply because I still have wounds that haven't closed yet. It will be a lot more rewarding in the future when the wounds have healed and I'm strong on my path, to look back and see how small that problem had become, devoid of food but hungry as a sandworm. It may look like a big problem now. But I already sense it has gotten smaller, and it's getting smaller everyday, now that I'm not helping it grow anymore.
To the occasional reader, know that problems are just like leeches. They suck on your blood and energy, they're vampires of your determination and they grow stronger on your fears. Be calm. Put the problem on the microscope and analyse it with pincers, dissect and run tests on it. Plan experiments, collect results. Use your analytical mind and treat your problem as coldly as a Vulcan. No problem is big enough if you accept risk and losses.
It is the final proof I don't want those problems of the past again and that I am definitely taking the right decision. My life will be better far away from this city, not only because opportunities will be better, but simply because I still have wounds that haven't closed yet. It will be a lot more rewarding in the future when the wounds have healed and I'm strong on my path, to look back and see how small that problem had become, devoid of food but hungry as a sandworm. It may look like a big problem now. But I already sense it has gotten smaller, and it's getting smaller everyday, now that I'm not helping it grow anymore.
To the occasional reader, know that problems are just like leeches. They suck on your blood and energy, they're vampires of your determination and they grow stronger on your fears. Be calm. Put the problem on the microscope and analyse it with pincers, dissect and run tests on it. Plan experiments, collect results. Use your analytical mind and treat your problem as coldly as a Vulcan. No problem is big enough if you accept risk and losses.
Someone activated the time compression switch into 4x mode.
Time is flying so fast that I can't believe next week I'll travel to São Paulo again for another cisco training week.
I've been busy doing the summer of code project. This is not my usual self to talk about my projects here. But this time I will.
I still have an Operating Systems interview at university, one OOP project and presentation to make, and one Hardware Interfaces exam before the semester ends.
Last month was the busiest of my whole life. This is the second busiest right now. Luckily my classes at Senac are over, else July would be a good competitor to June.
Btw, I bet August will compete with June.
Time is flying so fast that I can't believe next week I'll travel to São Paulo again for another cisco training week.
I've been busy doing the summer of code project. This is not my usual self to talk about my projects here. But this time I will.
I still have an Operating Systems interview at university, one OOP project and presentation to make, and one Hardware Interfaces exam before the semester ends.
Last month was the busiest of my whole life. This is the second busiest right now. Luckily my classes at Senac are over, else July would be a good competitor to June.
Btw, I bet August will compete with June.
This is about change.
There are times in our lifes where change is forced. You take some decision which start a chain reaction of changes so powerfull, so strong.
Yet, everything looks the same on the outside.
I've made some decisions which will probably alter the whole course of my life. I've took some risks that may alter my whole future.
This is not the first time I did this sort of choices, and sometimes I wonder if I'm addicted to them. Perhaps. But I know that I feel a newborn child again.
There is so much new things to learn, and I do feel really lost sometimes. It's hard to understand and grasp so many new things at once. Not only this is happening at such a speed I've never seen before, but my job and the university is demanding my full attention and dedication.
I've got these 3 top priorities (SoC, Senac and Unesp) not to mention my wife, and I have to juggle them with clockwork precision. It is very difficult. I've never had so many occupations at once, all of them above my current level of skill.
I have no idea I will survive all of this. I may not. But I will try hard, as I always do.
I need to have stories to tell to my grandchildren, after all. :)
There are times in our lifes where change is forced. You take some decision which start a chain reaction of changes so powerfull, so strong.
Yet, everything looks the same on the outside.
I've made some decisions which will probably alter the whole course of my life. I've took some risks that may alter my whole future.
This is not the first time I did this sort of choices, and sometimes I wonder if I'm addicted to them. Perhaps. But I know that I feel a newborn child again.
There is so much new things to learn, and I do feel really lost sometimes. It's hard to understand and grasp so many new things at once. Not only this is happening at such a speed I've never seen before, but my job and the university is demanding my full attention and dedication.
I've got these 3 top priorities (SoC, Senac and Unesp) not to mention my wife, and I have to juggle them with clockwork precision. It is very difficult. I've never had so many occupations at once, all of them above my current level of skill.
I have no idea I will survive all of this. I may not. But I will try hard, as I always do.
I need to have stories to tell to my grandchildren, after all. :)
We are already in May.
It is difficult to accept we've been through more than one third of the year. I'm living everyday like I another day to do what I need.
Since february, I came out from uncertain employment to a stable salary as a teacher (yeah, before payment was infrequent). Reputation comes from good work, I believe. And finally I see some fruits of my work.
Our lives are really a rollercoaster. I can feel the tension of going up the hill, soon I will reach the top again and again I will fall, crashing everything around, bringing the need of another revolution, as my life has been all these years. This is, I can say for sure, my real cycle.
I feel my heart is healing from so much grief and lies. I believe I'm coming out stronger. But I need to trust again, will I ever trust again? Would you?
It is difficult to accept we've been through more than one third of the year. I'm living everyday like I another day to do what I need.
Since february, I came out from uncertain employment to a stable salary as a teacher (yeah, before payment was infrequent). Reputation comes from good work, I believe. And finally I see some fruits of my work.
Our lives are really a rollercoaster. I can feel the tension of going up the hill, soon I will reach the top again and again I will fall, crashing everything around, bringing the need of another revolution, as my life has been all these years. This is, I can say for sure, my real cycle.
I feel my heart is healing from so much grief and lies. I believe I'm coming out stronger. But I need to trust again, will I ever trust again? Would you?
This is the Sith Code:
"Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me."
And this is the Jedi Code:
"There is no emotion; there is peace.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
There is no death; there is the Force."
And I tell you. Power is only a tool, the use you give to it shapes your life.
"Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me."
And this is the Jedi Code:
"There is no emotion; there is peace.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
There is no death; there is the Force."
And I tell you. Power is only a tool, the use you give to it shapes your life.
I usually have a queue of many tasks to do. There are so many tasks I don't care anymore if any of them is late, since I know which ones are top priority, or anyway, when I'm near the time the task will expire, I will finish it anyway, sometimes a bit hurried, but finished anyway.
Right now I don't have anything imediate nor urgent, and I can listen to some music just for the sake of it.
Also, there is nobody I know online right now, which is quite unusual. Even my wife is at university right now, so I'm alone at home.
I have some time spare just to myself. Without anything urgent. Even my freelancer jobs are idle. That's weird, and perhaps it is the first time I feel like this in a long time.
It is like tao. When you try to name it. It loses meaning, as defining tao is impossible to define. It is like meditation, that when you perceive you are meditating, you already lost focus.
Delicate moments of peace.
Have you ever found them?
Right now I don't have anything imediate nor urgent, and I can listen to some music just for the sake of it.
Also, there is nobody I know online right now, which is quite unusual. Even my wife is at university right now, so I'm alone at home.
I have some time spare just to myself. Without anything urgent. Even my freelancer jobs are idle. That's weird, and perhaps it is the first time I feel like this in a long time.
It is like tao. When you try to name it. It loses meaning, as defining tao is impossible to define. It is like meditation, that when you perceive you are meditating, you already lost focus.
Delicate moments of peace.
Have you ever found them?
We are 3 days from four months living together.
And I've been fighting all my demons to make the past stay in the past. Everything I've been unable to take care, everything I've left undone. I am finishing now.
It is said that we make happen that which we want most. Maybe it is happening right now. And it is all going as I want.
In four months, how will be the lives of everyone I know?
And I've been fighting all my demons to make the past stay in the past. Everything I've been unable to take care, everything I've left undone. I am finishing now.
It is said that we make happen that which we want most. Maybe it is happening right now. And it is all going as I want.
In four months, how will be the lives of everyone I know?
Unbelievably, I've reached the point of no return.
Finally I'll be free of this burden. I already started many of the actions that will make this world a world more just. It will take maybe months, maybe years. Maybe even nothing will happen. But in the end, I finally did what was right to do. What all the values and morals taught to me over the years have been screaming inside my head to set right. And the best part of it: Nothing I'm doing is wrong. There is nothing wrong on going to law and telling about the many crimes one person committed.
But believe me. Knowing about them and doing nothing just consumes you. Eats your soul, your peace. It feeds on your sleep, your well-being.
In the end you start blaming people around, because the world is such a shit, and you do all your asked to do. You do all you think is right and you never do anything wrong. Yet you have no peace. You have no peace because THIS IS NOT ENOUGH.
Because you know who is committing crimes and people are suffering from it, maybe nobody is dying, but the world would be a better place at all. And you do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to prevent it. And you are still so unhappy.
But now I feel better already.
And with time, maybe what is wrong will be right again. And I will feel better than I am today. For finally, more than doing everything people asked of me, I finally did something I ASKED OF MYSELF. Let's hope so.
Finally I'll be free of this burden. I already started many of the actions that will make this world a world more just. It will take maybe months, maybe years. Maybe even nothing will happen. But in the end, I finally did what was right to do. What all the values and morals taught to me over the years have been screaming inside my head to set right. And the best part of it: Nothing I'm doing is wrong. There is nothing wrong on going to law and telling about the many crimes one person committed.
But believe me. Knowing about them and doing nothing just consumes you. Eats your soul, your peace. It feeds on your sleep, your well-being.
In the end you start blaming people around, because the world is such a shit, and you do all your asked to do. You do all you think is right and you never do anything wrong. Yet you have no peace. You have no peace because THIS IS NOT ENOUGH.
Because you know who is committing crimes and people are suffering from it, maybe nobody is dying, but the world would be a better place at all. And you do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to prevent it. And you are still so unhappy.
But now I feel better already.
And with time, maybe what is wrong will be right again. And I will feel better than I am today. For finally, more than doing everything people asked of me, I finally did something I ASKED OF MYSELF. Let's hope so.
It doesn't matter what people say about me right now. Some of my family very probably have no real idea what is going inside me. Maybe they say I'm not being fair and I shouldn't be behaving like this as family is way more sacred than whatever differences I have with my uncle.
but he lives in a castle. and I live in a small 2 room apartment. And he has a brand new car and I have an old, outdated model. And everything he owns he owns because he didn't keep his word. His greed goes stronger than family and goes stronger than his own promises. What matters if you don't keep your word, if you can build lies upon lies and in the end, nobody will really care, since you have the pool and the big house with all your family united THANKS TO YOU.
It's tough going opening this year with such a post full of simmering anger and regret and maybe envy.
It will pass. As everything passes and the world moves on.
And I will move on. I only need time.
but he lives in a castle. and I live in a small 2 room apartment. And he has a brand new car and I have an old, outdated model. And everything he owns he owns because he didn't keep his word. His greed goes stronger than family and goes stronger than his own promises. What matters if you don't keep your word, if you can build lies upon lies and in the end, nobody will really care, since you have the pool and the big house with all your family united THANKS TO YOU.
It's tough going opening this year with such a post full of simmering anger and regret and maybe envy.
It will pass. As everything passes and the world moves on.
And I will move on. I only need time.
Sometimes you make choices that may start fights you really didn't want to start.
What can you do in such a situation? There's an old saying like this: "I can give one arm not to enter a fight, but I'll give two not to be taken out of one." I believe I'm such a person.
I've already said that which I didn't really want to say. It would spark all sorts of misunerstandings and some of my very personal friends are on the "other side" of the conflict. So I hope the collateral damage ain't that terrible and in the end I don't end this year losing one good friend.
Alas, life is like this. Let's hope people understand my motives and I don't end up a troublemaker and so on. But I believe I'm already one. So let's kick some ass.
What can you do in such a situation? There's an old saying like this: "I can give one arm not to enter a fight, but I'll give two not to be taken out of one." I believe I'm such a person.
I've already said that which I didn't really want to say. It would spark all sorts of misunerstandings and some of my very personal friends are on the "other side" of the conflict. So I hope the collateral damage ain't that terrible and in the end I don't end this year losing one good friend.
Alas, life is like this. Let's hope people understand my motives and I don't end up a troublemaker and so on. But I believe I'm already one. So let's kick some ass.
My marriage completed a full month yesterday.
How could you believe it would come to this? How was it possible that love took a chance at my door?
It's a life full of oportunities. Do you live based on what you can get your hands on or do you take only the best choices and be ready for the worse?
I said something like that a few days ago. Don't make bad choices because it will make your future possible. You will end living half your life on bad choices.
:)
How could you believe it would come to this? How was it possible that love took a chance at my door?
It's a life full of oportunities. Do you live based on what you can get your hands on or do you take only the best choices and be ready for the worse?
I said something like that a few days ago. Don't make bad choices because it will make your future possible. You will end living half your life on bad choices.
:)
One of the best things my mother taught me is that you only do stupid things when you get something really good back.
What I've been proposed wasn't exactly stupid. Actually it's the other way around. It was a good job offer. However, I'm thinking about what may happen if I don't risk keeping my actual work situation.
That's what I'm betting now. On being a good and reputed teacher.
Trust your guns. Always.
What I've been proposed wasn't exactly stupid. Actually it's the other way around. It was a good job offer. However, I'm thinking about what may happen if I don't risk keeping my actual work situation.
That's what I'm betting now. On being a good and reputed teacher.
Trust your guns. Always.
I've been a few months late in my logs.
I've been quite busy these last months.
So much happened in such a little time. Plans within plans, all unrolling unto motion, after so much careful thought.
I believe it is all working the way I like it. Flowing along the tides of destiny. As if I'm the gardener of these little trees and bushes. Trimming carefully weeds and sprouts, waiting for the flowers to blossom and turn into fruits.
We are two who became one. Finally.
And I work towards our future as I like it. Flowing along the tides of destiny.
You who read this blog, I ask you a question: Do you believe you can shape your future?
I guide my life forward, feeling the waves and following the winds of change. Have you ever felt winds blowing full of ethereal energy, surrounding you in exquisite energy, so strange you feel something is about to happen?
Don't ignore your feelings. Follow your heart and never forget Jonh Hodge. Choose life.
I've been quite busy these last months.
So much happened in such a little time. Plans within plans, all unrolling unto motion, after so much careful thought.
I believe it is all working the way I like it. Flowing along the tides of destiny. As if I'm the gardener of these little trees and bushes. Trimming carefully weeds and sprouts, waiting for the flowers to blossom and turn into fruits.
We are two who became one. Finally.
And I work towards our future as I like it. Flowing along the tides of destiny.
You who read this blog, I ask you a question: Do you believe you can shape your future?
I guide my life forward, feeling the waves and following the winds of change. Have you ever felt winds blowing full of ethereal energy, surrounding you in exquisite energy, so strange you feel something is about to happen?
Don't ignore your feelings. Follow your heart and never forget Jonh Hodge. Choose life.
Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future.
Choose life.
John Hodge
Choose your future.
Choose life.
John Hodge
It makes me sad to see some people being so racist, so fucking ignorant, without trying to understand what it is like to be victim of such racism.
I just fell victim to that beast, with my guard down, someone just called me plain possessive, machist and most probably a pervert too.
What is the problem if I am these shit. I don't want to blame my race for it. Neither I want to excuse myself under my race.
I am what I am and fuck you, this is no nice way to tell me what I am, thinking I don't see when you're trying to call it on my face, but taking cover under racist bravado.
Oh damm, and this week was so good until now.
I just fell victim to that beast, with my guard down, someone just called me plain possessive, machist and most probably a pervert too.
What is the problem if I am these shit. I don't want to blame my race for it. Neither I want to excuse myself under my race.
I am what I am and fuck you, this is no nice way to tell me what I am, thinking I don't see when you're trying to call it on my face, but taking cover under racist bravado.
Oh damm, and this week was so good until now.
Time and Change aren't measured by the same ruler.
Few days ago I was cheering giving linux classes to my technical grade students. Now I got 3 linux classes under my rule.
It's a happy day for me. Time for celebration, for looking forward to my dreams and of course, to work even harder than before. And it is best that I cheer now, because going 20 hours of hard work each week will get my ass flat.
Happiness lies in the knowledge of a fruitful future doing what we like to do and do well.
Few days ago I was cheering giving linux classes to my technical grade students. Now I got 3 linux classes under my rule.
It's a happy day for me. Time for celebration, for looking forward to my dreams and of course, to work even harder than before. And it is best that I cheer now, because going 20 hours of hard work each week will get my ass flat.
Happiness lies in the knowledge of a fruitful future doing what we like to do and do well.
Some months have gone by, so busy doing lots of small things.
Life goes faster when you do lots of small things. When your mind is busy trying to find out which small thing to do next.
I lost track of all my projects, I've moved to a new apartmant, a lot smaller and less than half the rent of the old one. I feel the quiet sea before the storm. I can sense something big is coming again, and I had to say it here, so I remember I felt it.
By the way, I finished reading the Hithchiker's and I've read the whole six Dune books. I've also read the Dune Trilogy Prequel, and I've just started reading the Legends of Dune Trilogy... oh so many good books to read.
I've also bought a NGageQD, quite a fun toy. And a cell phone too... I know, this is an uncommon post, full of trivialities and materialisms. But life is like that, full of small things.
Life goes faster when you do lots of small things. When your mind is busy trying to find out which small thing to do next.
I lost track of all my projects, I've moved to a new apartmant, a lot smaller and less than half the rent of the old one. I feel the quiet sea before the storm. I can sense something big is coming again, and I had to say it here, so I remember I felt it.
By the way, I finished reading the Hithchiker's and I've read the whole six Dune books. I've also read the Dune Trilogy Prequel, and I've just started reading the Legends of Dune Trilogy... oh so many good books to read.
I've also bought a NGageQD, quite a fun toy. And a cell phone too... I know, this is an uncommon post, full of trivialities and materialisms. But life is like that, full of small things.
So far, it feels like months have passed. I'm not sure if this is a returning post, perhaps this is just a fly-by post. As posts do not fly as far as I know, this is sort of whatever post.
Been reading the Hitchhiker series, I just love Douglas Adams style. Also I'm in sort of a Star Wars frenzy, re-viewing every picture that comes to my hands.
Life is going well like this. The escape pods all route to science fiction, not much patience to worry about what's going on actually.
I don't want to care about these things, I'm letting things happen as they do, and I don't care at all about the outcome. So far this is working out and I'm having a good time, thank you.
The english accent will perhaps glue to my writing style for a few months, as I'll probably re-read the hitchhiker series again as soon as I finish. They're very good.
Been reading the Hitchhiker series, I just love Douglas Adams style. Also I'm in sort of a Star Wars frenzy, re-viewing every picture that comes to my hands.
Life is going well like this. The escape pods all route to science fiction, not much patience to worry about what's going on actually.
I don't want to care about these things, I'm letting things happen as they do, and I don't care at all about the outcome. So far this is working out and I'm having a good time, thank you.
The english accent will perhaps glue to my writing style for a few months, as I'll probably re-read the hitchhiker series again as soon as I finish. They're very good.
So, time passes and the old gets older.
We see the signs of the passage of time in most different ways.
Sometimes it's us looking older in the mirror. Sometimes it's our friends looking younger than us. Sometimes we feel we no longer have time to do all we gotta do.
But sometimes, perhaps less often than I like, we feel that the old powers controlling our life are starting to weaken. They're starting to feel old themselves. Not older in a wiser sense, but older and weaker, and more of a shadow of what once they were. A shadow of that control they could exert. Then they think they're pulling strings of a puppet, but the puppet now pulls the string into the direction it wants, and the puppeteer moves his hand along, unaware he is the puppet now.
Another link broke in my chains. I feel freer than yesterday and tomorrow I shall be even more free. Where before I reacted to his actions, now I got the upper hand, and he is the one to react.
I step into loose stones in a tortuous path. I can see myself rolling and tumbling and getting myself hurt and hurting along people I love in the course of my path. From this pain and those sore feet another me shall be born. And strong it will be, with pride and dignity. And I will laugh and pity the destiny of my enemies, for their unfairness shall be their own dammation.
Do you try to understand the world around you?
Sometimes I think I worry too much about my life.
Right now I'm trying to understand why some people DOESN'T WORRY at all about how the world works.
Do you understand people do have their motives? Did you ever tried to understand why even the laziest of your friends is so lazy?
Yeah, I know sometimes there is no real good answer.
But that is a good exercise on being humble, and on being compassionate. Yeah, reading Dalai Lama does give some sort of side effects.
I see now how some people simply label other people as complete idiots where sometimes that is only some sort of shell where they get some protection from being overwhelmed by requests and requests all of them totally egocentered. Their jobs don't include people coming from all sides making requests like: "I can't format my page! Or I can't see my emails" Of course they offer support, but people should try learning by themselves a bit. By denying service you also give them a chance to self-learn. You may think this is totally distorted, but if you listened to a few requests I've heard you would agree with me in no time at all.
In return for trying to do their work in peace, all they get is people labeling them as lazy and incompetent. Where as the work that is really important is getting done. But of course, since no personal request is being granted, nobody does thanks them at all. That is really a cruel world we live.
I'm trying to view people without so much prejudice. I feel better this way. I feel I'm giving people some chance to show me their good side. Sometimes people talk to me truthfully, and they trust in me. When I compare this to some people I know, I feel I'm really learning to enjoy life.
Bet on your Fate and Fate will bet back on you.
Where are the nay sayers?
Fate is betting his coins in me. Doors are opening again.
I've bet my very life on this choice. And now I'm getting my prize. In a few months, I believe, my life will be totally different from the road I've chosen almost 4 years ago.
I will be free again, like I was, without any chains, without lies and empty promises. At last I will live again by my choices, by my very hands.
I've learned the lesson the hard way. Everything given weakens the needed. Nothing should be given. It makes you totally incapable of being yourself.
Learn to give and you will be strong. But never give freely or you will weaken those around you. And they may never forgive you. As I will never forget the chains that bound me these last years.
There are two sides on a coin and in this post.
Two sides in a coin. Like my life which is pretty happy and my problems which are fuc*ing getting me out of my mind.
I have to make decisions everyday which I believe nobody else approves. Nobody understands the reasons for what I choose. Not one of them tries to think if they would do the same or if they really understand my priorities.
People think I can let go of my opportunities and lose that which I'm not sure if it will happen again in the future. My choices go after that which will never happen again, rather than something I can retry. That's why I let go of my studies sometimes. I can retry my studies anytime. But some things like what I'm doing right now - teaching, I won't have another chance at all. That's a new career opening before me. A new hope for a new future. A chance of doing something really different than what I did these last 7 years.
I prefer to fail, in a path where I can walk again, than lose the chance of doing something I've never done before.
People go for the easy road. They make safe bets, they don't want to lose that which they see easy to conquer. They don't believe their skills. Can't learn by themselves. Don't trust their instincts.
My life is not this easy shit where everything happens out of plain luck everytime. My mother can't pay for my studies. I cannot trust the relatives that once said they were like parents for me. I have no regret for these facts. But I see people that consider these facts as absolute rights. They think everyone has the divine right of having his parents paying for their studies. There was never in the life of such people the need to make a choice where you never win at all, you only minimize losses.
I make difficult choices everyday. I let go of so much I want to do, in the name of that which I believe is right for my future.
As if the weight of such choices isn't heavy enough, I have to deal with the disapproval of people that never had to make a single choice like mine before.
These are the two sides of my post. I do what people think is impossible. I dream and I make it real. And I pay a very expensive price for it.
You wanna do the impossible, be ready for the consequences.
But if you ask me if I would advise you to do the impossible, by all means, I say do it. The unquestionable belief you are doing the right thing will follow. But a lot of people won't really understand you. They never do anyway, and most of the time, they really don't care at all. Fuck what people think. Fuck what they say. Believe yourself.
How do you think your universe works?
I bet 10 to 1 you, dear reader, thought at least once about how your universe works. How the clock ticks, how the wheels move.
I'll tell you something about the way my universe works.
Everytime I lapse into laziness, everytime I accept what has been given, things start to look bad.
Yeah, that's a tough way to see things.
Yet, I realize now that everytime I left things as they are, I ended up feeling out of the loop. I felt weak and powerless, I was feeling some time ago.
Now that I set some actions, it seems things are lightening up again.
You gotta try it sometimes. Perhaps that's how your universe works. If not, how does it works for you?
Maybe you believe in greater power, maybe you believe in fate. I tried those things, but they're not reliable, IMO.
Try making your life everytime a quest for survival, and you will see how life is full of adventure.
As that Space Tribe tune says: "You create your own happiness".
Back From The New Year Revolution
We modern men have this curious quirk of celebrating a new year. We rejoice the increment of a number. Celebrate a new cycle in earth's movement.
Babble all you want, why we modern men need to rethink our lives every dozen months?
I don't really know, nor I'm immune to it. I caught myself thinking about what I want to get done this year many times.
What I know for sure is that I'm growing older. My body is getting different. My mind demands rest a lot more than before. And I'm just over my mid-twenties.
I need more focus, I need more concentration, I need better planning.
Time is passing and important decisions are everyday nearer. Where is the wisdom and experience I need to take such decisions?
I've made important choices in the last few years. I've totally changed my life, year after year. This year, however, looks deceptive. It seems there is no choice to make. Seems like I need to let it flow. Yet I can see some important decisions not yet urgent.
This is for me a year of preparation. Of planning. That's the only road I see open to me now.
I must be ready and prepared.
What of you, gentle reader? What will this year demand of you?
Get to know some few basics truths about life:
You can't quit smoking without facing some side effects.
Yeah, oficially I've already quit smoking once. I kinda got back into the habit, and last saturday I quit again.
Anyway, the side effects. You get really mean. Yeah, I mean fucking mean. To prove my point, my girlfriend was trying to get me angry, a few hours ago, at the phone. It wasn't nice of her to meet my really bad mean me. I apologized right after. It was almost too late. So, she has her guilty after all. Had she not asked so much for me to quit smoking, maybe this incident never would happen. Yeah, you can say I was the one that started it all, after all, I'm the smoker.
You damm wrong too, if you think like that. There is nothing at all that forbids me to smoke. I smoked because I liked doing it and get real, pal, I still like. I don't smoke simply because I don't want, and fuck you, I won't tell you any fucking reason. You fucking never really understood my side, so fuck you, fuck you fuck you and I won't fucking give any bloody explanation. That's the fucking least I can do to get my free will going sane.
Dammit.
And get real. I'm quitting my tobacco and I won't be mr. nice guy for a good time.
There is an amazingly vast flea market in the web.
If you never tried it, it is really fun, and it works like a charm. You need to know your sources, of course. But once you know them, dealing in the web is rapid, efficient and safe.
I buy all my high-tech gear in the web these days. A few little things I buy with my very personal courier-importabandeator. But most of the hard to find stuff you can easily find online at good online mailing-lists.
Something The Lord of The Eternal Worries never has to worry at all.
Insomnia is becoming an old friend of mine.
I don't know what causes it. Is it the excess coffee? Tobacco? I will never know for sure.
When I was on medicine, of course, the insomnia was a little more moderate. Yet I remember clearly I had trouble going to sleep as well.
What strikes me harder is that I can't remember what is a good night of sleep. Maybe it's been some years since I gone to bed thinking: "Hey, it's time to go to bed!" And happily to bed I went. Going to bed for me is like walking some portal into an unknown Stephen King world where nightmares lurk in the shadow. Of a deep fear of some unknown force, slowly weakening your reasoning, throwing away your logic. Impossible to sleep, tired mind and body. Looking at the ceiling watching the floor. Fighting whatever is keeping you awake. Desperation of being un-awake, yet not sleeping. Dreaming of being awake.
The best sleep I get these days is when my girlfriend is with me. Sleep comes easily. I need only her at my side and nothing else. She is really good medicine.
Maybe the fact that I'm feeling my life is totally chaotic is affecting my sleep. Indeed I am a good friend of chaos.
The time to reorganize my life is coming back. I already feel the turmoil announcing it. The total waves of disorder, of lateral actions taking place. Priorities going totally unnoticed.
This is a good omen at least. Wished I could break the cycle. Wished I could find a new loop to enter. This chaos-order cycle is driving me nuts.
In the Dune novel, the Bene Gesserit used the following chanted words to reduce their fear.
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will allow my fear to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone I will turn my inner eye to see its path. And where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
(extracted from wikipedia.net, GPL'ed text)
We are weird creatures. We cannot accept facts as they are, neither we do what we need because we are told to.
We are creatures ever in need of motivation. Only through pressure we work, we produce, we act.
That's why some people have faith, or some higher strenght driving them toward their goals. Without a goal, and without some power driving you to your goal, you are dead.
We see some people working straight without doubt, like true zealots of their master. Like fingers of a sobrenatural hand.
Where is this Hand? Who is this Master? And what is a far more funnier question, where is my Hand, or my Master.
I always took pride in being free, choosing my own path, being my own Master.
What if I'm not ready to be the Master? What if I cannot choose properly what I need?
Of course, I don't mean I want a new Master. I still want to be free. But this means the Master here needs some new tricks.
How do you learn to master yourself? I've been lazy all these past months, not understanding what was happening to me. Not willing to understand, desiring time to solve things by itself. Then I found letting time pass didn't solve a thing.
Is this the secret all those unstoppable people know? Do they work around the clock, simply because they know this secret? Is there any secret at all? This is fun. :) We circle around the truth, trying to find the end of the circle. Of course basic geometry says there is no end of the circle.
Is this the proof there is no truth? :)
I'm still searching the cure for lazyness.
However, I found some starting hints:
1 - Leaving your bedroom is a good start. I kept my computer in my bedroom, using the bed as a seat. It doesn't work. Really.
2 - Don't stop the music. Yeah, music makes your mind work. You can't think if you keep watching the ceiling. If you at least is dancing or thinking about the lyrics or listening at the beat, you have a better chance of getting some work done.
3 - Turn off any instant messengers you have, that's obvious, if you keep chatting around, you get nothing done.
For now, these are the hints. They're not 100% effective, but they're helping me a bit. I shall be adding more results, as they appear. This is my number one problem right now, I'm serious about solving it forever.
I'm the kind of guy that spends a good time thinking.
All those years thinking made me observe some patterns in my own behaviour.
There are two opposite patterns (among others) I want to talk about now.
The first is a very strong creative burst I feel sometimes. They are really strong when I feel them, Some years ago, I couldn't recognize them, now I know everytime when I'm having one. Unfortunately, this is not the case.
The second one is the one I'm experiencing right now. I've been thru it some months already, and just now I recognize it as a very important aspect of myself (that needs some work, I guess). It is total lazyness. hehe
It's tough to admit it, but it is happening right now, and it is very strong too. I have no idea whether this will end by itself, like the tidal waves, or if it will require some, or better saying, a lot of willpower.
The list of tasks to do is big. I've got so many different, totally unrelated tasks to complete that I'm feeling a bit lost. Of course I know some tactics to break this problem. I've already made tasklists, I've even have some idea how long those will take. The problem is I have no real intention of doing them. And this is really a serious problem. Unmotivated nothing can get accomplished.
So, for the time being, I will keep attacking the tasks one-by-one, albeit not wanting to do them, but really, the problem is unsolved, until I can understand it properly, which of course, will demand some more thinking. That's not really a problem in The Log of Eternal Worries.
I always missed listening to some music with a love and peace theme. Something with a bit of hope in it, without that desperate search for these things.
For the first time I'm listening to Bob Marley, thanks to a friend of mine that lent me his collection.
My search is over. Really beautiful, simple yet powerfull lyrics.
It's a pity people have this wrong image of him, simply because he chose a path most people disaprove. His music is a work of art. My soul is light, my heart full of happiness. You don't need drugs to understand reggae. Just listen to his music.
For the first time I'm listening to Bob Marley, thanks to a friend of mine that lent me his collection.
My search is over. Really beautiful, simple yet powerfull lyrics.
It's a pity people have this wrong image of him, simply because he chose a path most people disaprove. His music is a work of art. My soul is light, my heart full of happiness. You don't need drugs to understand reggae. Just listen to his music.
I'm desperately searching for the God of Mathematics. I really need to make a sacrifice to Him and ask for grades in Calculus I.
If you know Him, or know his e-mail or something, please send me a message so I can contact Him. Really.
My only fear is that He asks me to do calculus exercises. That really would be a sacrifice to big for my mortal mind.
If you know Him, or know his e-mail or something, please send me a message so I can contact Him. Really.
My only fear is that He asks me to do calculus exercises. That really would be a sacrifice to big for my mortal mind.
We are nearing a year of my father's death.
Since the next weeks will be very busy, here is a great quote, from Roland of Gilead and Eddie of New York, taken from The Dark Tower by Stephen King (some parts cut):
"Say your lesson, Eddie. And be true"
"I do not shoot with my hand; he who shoots with his hand has forgotten the face of his father."
"I do not aim with my hand; he who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father."
"I aim with my eye."
"I do not kill with my gun; he who kills with his gun has forgotten the face of his father."
"I kill with my heart."
This is a prayer, and the few gunslingers that still exist (there are only 4 of them) know this prayer by heart.
I'm no gunslinger. I don't carry guns. I don't shoot people. Yet, I haven't forgot the face of my father. In my heart, in my every act of will, I never forget the face of my father.
Since the next weeks will be very busy, here is a great quote, from Roland of Gilead and Eddie of New York, taken from The Dark Tower by Stephen King (some parts cut):
"Say your lesson, Eddie. And be true"
"I do not shoot with my hand; he who shoots with his hand has forgotten the face of his father."
"I do not aim with my hand; he who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father."
"I aim with my eye."
"I do not kill with my gun; he who kills with his gun has forgotten the face of his father."
"I kill with my heart."
This is a prayer, and the few gunslingers that still exist (there are only 4 of them) know this prayer by heart.
I'm no gunslinger. I don't carry guns. I don't shoot people. Yet, I haven't forgot the face of my father. In my heart, in my every act of will, I never forget the face of my father.
Life is short.
And you live only once. When it is done, you are done.
There are no extra lifes. This is no video-game, there are no cheats, no tricks, no trainers.
Today I've got the scary news of a girl that killed herself. She had worked before at my former job, the one owned by my uncle.
It is totally weird. Even if I lost totally the will to live, even if I felt there was no hope. I guess it would be very difficult to suicide.
Actually I have plans if I get so hopeless, but none of my plans include suicide. I could pack my stuff and disappear. I could enter a Buddhist Monastery... Maybe I would even enter some sort of mental institution (hehe). But never I'd forfeit my only life.
I guess this "you live only once" attitude I developed is a big lifesaver. I don't need to destroy my life because I don't like it. It is already destroyed in a sense. All I must do is find another starting point and try again.
You don't live twice, you don't ressurect in a baby, you don't go to heaven, nor hell.
There is no heaven nor hell. Actually there is, but it is inside yourself.
That's why I live in Nirvana. Or rather, I am Nirvana.Nirvana is not heaven. It is peace and the knowledge of this unbelievable clockwork called the Universe. We all are Nirvana because we are all part of the engine. There is no god except when you believe one exists, and it exists only inside yourself then.
That's what makes my life so rich, so colorfull, so happy. I love myself. Now please don't get me wrong. I don't mean I am one sick guy full of pride. There is pride, but my self-love is more like being self-aware. And being aware of myself is what makes me happy.
I'm feeling back in time. About 2 months, take or give a few days.
I just deleted all my work in my actual project. I got that nice feeling of letting go, letting roll and going down the rollercoaster.
Of course I'll have to redo everything again. Just for the fun of it.
You can say it is code refactoring in the most radical sense of computer science methodology.
Sweet nights ahead.
I just deleted all my work in my actual project. I got that nice feeling of letting go, letting roll and going down the rollercoaster.
Of course I'll have to redo everything again. Just for the fun of it.
You can say it is code refactoring in the most radical sense of computer science methodology.
Sweet nights ahead.
There is Pure Happiness, easy, cheap, strong and extremely addictive.
Listen to the Beat. Feel the Groove. Hear the Scream Inside Your Soul.
Take it deep thru your ears. Let it resonate inside your mind, your heart.
Become the extension of the music. Feel the vibe.
I love the feeling when music rapes my ears. Demanding attention, driving me away. Swirling my thoughts.
Need fuel to do something? Put some good beats in the background. Follow the lead.
The sad man knows not what good music is.
Listen to the Beat. Feel the Groove. Hear the Scream Inside Your Soul.
Take it deep thru your ears. Let it resonate inside your mind, your heart.
Become the extension of the music. Feel the vibe.
I love the feeling when music rapes my ears. Demanding attention, driving me away. Swirling my thoughts.
Need fuel to do something? Put some good beats in the background. Follow the lead.
The sad man knows not what good music is.
This is going to be a very long week.
And a very lonely one, by the way.
With my girlfriend visiting her grandma, I will have plenty of time for myself. The curious thing is that I already have plenty of time for myself. That's the insomnia real gift.
So, maybe I'll grow a beard, stop bathing, let my hair grow... ah, the lovely troglodyte way of living.
Junk food, good beer, lots of movies (of all kinds)...
Anger builds quickly inside me. Why?
Have you ever tried tracing back the anger... trying to find the source, the motive that made you angry?
I found one tonight.
It happens when I do my best to give someone the best time of her life. And suddenly, I goof, near the end of the night. Then all the magic of the date goes away. Reality strikes hard, strong, powerfull, unforgiving.
I end up sad, because I don't like feeling goofy. I don't like to make mistakes. I don't like being out of control.
Then sadness is a feeling I refuse. I can't accept feeling sad about myself. I prefer to throw it off. Twist it into something that drives me into action, not passiveness. And I grow angry. Really angry.
It's a very solid short circuit inside me. Almost three years trying to understand myself, I thought I had it fixed. It isn't.
Maybe it's a side effect of having strong views about the world. I try so hard to follow the rules of my world that mistakes end up in the heaviest fines.
Go for your dreams, plan all to the end, but never lose the touch with your very humanity. You are not perfect. You are human. You can make mistakes. You can forgive yourself.
Have you ever tried tracing back the anger... trying to find the source, the motive that made you angry?
I found one tonight.
It happens when I do my best to give someone the best time of her life. And suddenly, I goof, near the end of the night. Then all the magic of the date goes away. Reality strikes hard, strong, powerfull, unforgiving.
I end up sad, because I don't like feeling goofy. I don't like to make mistakes. I don't like being out of control.
Then sadness is a feeling I refuse. I can't accept feeling sad about myself. I prefer to throw it off. Twist it into something that drives me into action, not passiveness. And I grow angry. Really angry.
It's a very solid short circuit inside me. Almost three years trying to understand myself, I thought I had it fixed. It isn't.
Maybe it's a side effect of having strong views about the world. I try so hard to follow the rules of my world that mistakes end up in the heaviest fines.
Go for your dreams, plan all to the end, but never lose the touch with your very humanity. You are not perfect. You are human. You can make mistakes. You can forgive yourself.
Funny thing this shit called Envy.
Maybe one of the most ignorant, idiot, totally wrong feelings... I felt the horrible eye of envy over me my whole life.
Ppl envy my gadgets, my friends, my luck, my projects, my opportunities... As if what I have is so tough to get, so unique or special. My gadgets are like anyone else gadgets. I value them because I know how to use them. There's nothing magical about them.
All my friends became my friends little by little. Shared experiences and projects. Adventures, good talks, nice chats... Nothing special either.
What about my projects? No big secret too. I have an idea. I try to make it real. Can it be so difficult? Tough to grasp or understand? I don't get it. I GO FOR IT.
Yet, I see eyes lurking in the shadows... They watch me wherever I go. They talk behind me... they say... "Look... that's that dude. That arrogant full of himself, king of the mountain dude."
And I did nothing against those ppl. I've never approached one of those ppl and screamed at their faces: "LOOK OVER HERE YOUR LOSER! SUCK MY BIG FAT DI*K, SO YOU LEARN HOW TO DO IT RIGHT"....
Maybe I should start saying these things. After all, I need to have some fun too.
Maybe one of the most ignorant, idiot, totally wrong feelings... I felt the horrible eye of envy over me my whole life.
Ppl envy my gadgets, my friends, my luck, my projects, my opportunities... As if what I have is so tough to get, so unique or special. My gadgets are like anyone else gadgets. I value them because I know how to use them. There's nothing magical about them.
All my friends became my friends little by little. Shared experiences and projects. Adventures, good talks, nice chats... Nothing special either.
What about my projects? No big secret too. I have an idea. I try to make it real. Can it be so difficult? Tough to grasp or understand? I don't get it. I GO FOR IT.
Yet, I see eyes lurking in the shadows... They watch me wherever I go. They talk behind me... they say... "Look... that's that dude. That arrogant full of himself, king of the mountain dude."
And I did nothing against those ppl. I've never approached one of those ppl and screamed at their faces: "LOOK OVER HERE YOUR LOSER! SUCK MY BIG FAT DI*K, SO YOU LEARN HOW TO DO IT RIGHT"....
Maybe I should start saying these things. After all, I need to have some fun too.
I found another rule in the game of life.
Be careful with your wishes, they might come true.
Yeah, I know, old saying. Nevertheless, it it true. I've been wishing to work on lots of projects, now I got them. And I'm kinda lost organizing my time now.
That's funny because I already had to manage many projects at once and I always did it quite easily.
Be careful with your wishes, they might come true.
Yeah, I know, old saying. Nevertheless, it it true. I've been wishing to work on lots of projects, now I got them. And I'm kinda lost organizing my time now.
That's funny because I already had to manage many projects at once and I always did it quite easily.
Have you ever heard about the magical secrets of life?
Yeah, everybody knows a few of them.
For instance, I will give out my personal best secret of life, self-help style: Tell the problems to f*ck itself!
Yes, that easy.
You have a problem, you don't know how to solve it. Say "f*ck you!!!" to it. Very loud, intense, heartfelt. And you will see how easy it will be to solve it then.
Another trick, as I'm in the mood. Never forget you can do what you believe you can do. That's a tough to explain trick because I always hear some as*hole saying: "So, I can fly, then". That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that whatever you need to do, the first thing to do is believe you can do it. Oh, You don't believe me? Think I'm a hypocrite? Well, then I guess you need a bit more confidence.
"Are you a mexiCAN or a mexiCAT?" - Desperado II
Yeah, everybody knows a few of them.
For instance, I will give out my personal best secret of life, self-help style: Tell the problems to f*ck itself!
Yes, that easy.
You have a problem, you don't know how to solve it. Say "f*ck you!!!" to it. Very loud, intense, heartfelt. And you will see how easy it will be to solve it then.
Another trick, as I'm in the mood. Never forget you can do what you believe you can do. That's a tough to explain trick because I always hear some as*hole saying: "So, I can fly, then". That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that whatever you need to do, the first thing to do is believe you can do it. Oh, You don't believe me? Think I'm a hypocrite? Well, then I guess you need a bit more confidence.
"Are you a mexiCAN or a mexiCAT?" - Desperado II
So many months distracted by the real world.
I'm back again.
Ever noticed some people are so easily influenced by others?
As if formless creatures, devoid of personality, weak of willpower, avid of new things in their life... Suddenly find someone. A beacon, a guiding light... And then they start to take the form they desire... A child's picture... blunt, excess colours, bold lines... A mis-picture of ourselves. A laugh at what we are and what they're trying to be. Us.
These may be arrogant, reckless, cold and smartass words. But nonetheless, the cynic inside me tell me they are true.
Such people do exist, they are all around us. Vampires of ideas, of personality, of individualism. Of being one outcast and liking it.
I am an outcast, I am happy being an outcast and I don't want followers. No fans, neither.
I want my life, in its uniqueness, in its personal perfection and beauty. In being what nobody else is and living happy with it.
Again, the wheel moves. I feel it rolling... it is slower now and it is good because I can't really think when it is too fast.
I'm back again.
Ever noticed some people are so easily influenced by others?
As if formless creatures, devoid of personality, weak of willpower, avid of new things in their life... Suddenly find someone. A beacon, a guiding light... And then they start to take the form they desire... A child's picture... blunt, excess colours, bold lines... A mis-picture of ourselves. A laugh at what we are and what they're trying to be. Us.
These may be arrogant, reckless, cold and smartass words. But nonetheless, the cynic inside me tell me they are true.
Such people do exist, they are all around us. Vampires of ideas, of personality, of individualism. Of being one outcast and liking it.
I am an outcast, I am happy being an outcast and I don't want followers. No fans, neither.
I want my life, in its uniqueness, in its personal perfection and beauty. In being what nobody else is and living happy with it.
Again, the wheel moves. I feel it rolling... it is slower now and it is good because I can't really think when it is too fast.
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