Today was a difficult day. Sometimes my job is so easy, besides all the problems people create, besides all the problems I create myself, because I have with me people that love doing their jobs.
It is *very* easy to work with people that love their jobs. It is easy to connect with them, even when we disagree, because we share the same goal. Because I can feel their passion. And I can relate to that. And I feel it too. These people I like the most, they also have their own problems to solve but they're mostly concerned on preserving this feeling. We're all in deep shit, but we've got to work together and it's something we're gonna be proud of. And we are. And fuck all the rest.
Sometimes, though. I see people obsessively worried on being perfect.Throwing your words back at you misinterpreted. Wait, what? You were talking about something else. Yes, that's exactly the confusion I felt today. I was about to say this. I was about to tell someone that this is what makes our work good, besides all the odds and egos.
And it got out of control. Suddenly it became an argument about agressiveness, about teamwork, about being right, and about people's opinions. It became shit. I became an argument about things that shouldn't be said and were. About me losing my voice, as if slapped in the face, hands almost shaking (were them shaking?), as if I had gone where I shouldn't. As if I had betrayed those I had sworn (to myself) to help.
I felt shame. And I still feel. I failed. I failed to help someone. I failed to lead. I failed to be a better person.
It will make me think twice, thrice, tetrice even. I will try harder. I just hope it never happens again, this confused feeling that feels like my failure is hurting another person. And guess what, I didn't even like the person. But it feels like I hurt myself. I don't know yet how to interpret this feeling. Shame, guilty, you name it. End of the day and my head hurts. And I guess other people's heads are hurting too.
Not a good day.