I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


Goodbye


I wipe it off on a tile, the light is brighter this time
Everything is turning blasphemy
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I picture me


I can't control my shakes, how the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this
Is it a dream or a memory?


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


Get outta my head 'cause I don't need this
Why didn't I see this?
Well, I'm a victim Manchurian candidate
I have sinned by just makin' my mind up
And takin' your breath away


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


Goodbye


You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
The flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free


You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
The flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell I wait and bleed


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


And it waits for you
When I was younger, I hoped so hard people understood me. So they could understand my motivations, my decisions and all those things you sometimes do looking for appreciation and approval.

Fact is, I don't worry that much about this anymore. Yeah, I don't really care if people understand me at all.

New decisions are coming. New plans are progressing. And yet, I see ahead people saying I'm wrong. Saying I'm moving the wrong way.

Some people I care so much that I take the effort to let them know my motives. Others, those I don't care at all, they will be wondering, they may not, yet I don't care.

Oh yes, there are some I care a lot, but I just cannot open up with them until the time is right. To those I apologize, and of those, I hope they will understand. They are the exception to this post. Because in a way I'm betraying their trust. And to betray someone for me, is a major sin.

So in the Log of Eternal Worries, this is something on my mind right now.
I need to be a bit more honest than usual today.

I'm fucking pissed off.

Hypocrisy always pisses me off. Fake moralism. The idea that you can judge someone on terms that everyone will judge correct. But perverted to the point that instead of bringing order and justice, they serve only to make others feel bad.

It makes me feel that the world is not fair, that it is impossible to win without playing dirty. That if you cannot fight back in the same coin, you are weak.

It pisses me off.

The fact that someone is completely ignoramus can even be accepted. After all, that person is at best doing harm to himself. But being a hypocrite is at another level for me. Damn, being actively hypocrite is the worst of all.

I believe no word exists to name the cruelty of an actively hypocrite person. It's downright evil, cold-hearted, outright dead. There's no return from being actively hypocrite. Once you've gone down that road. You are forever dammed to solitude. You've built for yourself a character that no one will ever love, none will ever befriend. You dig your own hole. Your life is over.

That's probably the darkest post I've ever written, and I hope I never have to touch this subject again. I give it my thoughts now, this is the Log of Eternal Worries. Here my heart connects to my soul and mind, and here I write what results from that. Sometimes... yet sometimes, we need to understand even the hypocrites.
So, did I bite my tongue, since my last post?

I'd say right now that I did. The honeymoon ended, I don't know anymore if I did the right thing. Well, I was expecting some sort of comedown. There's always a comedown about new jobs, isn't there?

*But*, I'm not the type of person that worries about regret at all. I'm more like the type of person that if the plans don't work out exactly the way I planned, I simply need some time to clear my ahead again and make new plans.

What about you, what do you do when you plans don't work as you wished?

Do you have a backup plan? Do you get depressed and cry about how unfair is life? Or do your plans never fail? (Are you kidding?)

I'm thinking about being a bit more bold than what I did in the past. It won't be easy. It never is. Hard never stopped me from doing anyway. I'm not 20ish anymore though. Gotta make some plans this time so it works alright. Oh plans again, dammed word that sticks to my thoughts lately... ouch

Don't want to make sense anymore, so I should stop writing.