What can you do in such a situation? There's an old saying like this: "I can give one arm not to enter a fight, but I'll give two not to be taken out of one." I believe I'm such a person.
I've already said that which I didn't really want to say. It would spark all sorts of misunerstandings and some of my very personal friends are on the "other side" of the conflict. So I hope the collateral damage ain't that terrible and in the end I don't end this year losing one good friend.
Alas, life is like this. Let's hope people understand my motives and I don't end up a troublemaker and so on. But I believe I'm already one. So let's kick some ass.
How could you believe it would come to this? How was it possible that love took a chance at my door?
It's a life full of oportunities. Do you live based on what you can get your hands on or do you take only the best choices and be ready for the worse?
I said something like that a few days ago. Don't make bad choices because it will make your future possible. You will end living half your life on bad choices.
What I've been proposed wasn't exactly stupid. Actually it's the other way around. It was a good job offer. However, I'm thinking about what may happen if I don't risk keeping my actual work situation.
That's what I'm betting now. On being a good and reputed teacher.
Trust your guns. Always.
I've been quite busy these last months.
So much happened in such a little time. Plans within plans, all unrolling unto motion, after so much careful thought.
I believe it is all working the way I like it. Flowing along the tides of destiny. As if I'm the gardener of these little trees and bushes. Trimming carefully weeds and sprouts, waiting for the flowers to blossom and turn into fruits.
We are two who became one. Finally.
And I work towards our future as I like it. Flowing along the tides of destiny.
You who read this blog, I ask you a question: Do you believe you can shape your future?
I guide my life forward, feeling the waves and following the winds of change. Have you ever felt winds blowing full of ethereal energy, surrounding you in exquisite energy, so strange you feel something is about to happen?
Don't ignore your feelings. Follow your heart and never forget Jonh Hodge. Choose life.
Choose your future.
I just fell victim to that beast, with my guard down, someone just called me plain possessive, machist and most probably a pervert too.
What is the problem if I am these shit. I don't want to blame my race for it. Neither I want to excuse myself under my race.
I am what I am and fuck you, this is no nice way to tell me what I am, thinking I don't see when you're trying to call it on my face, but taking cover under racist bravado.
Oh damm, and this week was so good until now.
Few days ago I was cheering giving linux classes to my technical grade students. Now I got 3 linux classes under my rule.
It's a happy day for me. Time for celebration, for looking forward to my dreams and of course, to work even harder than before. And it is best that I cheer now, because going 20 hours of hard work each week will get my ass flat.
Happiness lies in the knowledge of a fruitful future doing what we like to do and do well.
Life goes faster when you do lots of small things. When your mind is busy trying to find out which small thing to do next.
I lost track of all my projects, I've moved to a new apartmant, a lot smaller and less than half the rent of the old one. I feel the quiet sea before the storm. I can sense something big is coming again, and I had to say it here, so I remember I felt it.
By the way, I finished reading the Hithchiker's and I've read the whole six Dune books. I've also read the Dune Trilogy Prequel, and I've just started reading the Legends of Dune Trilogy... oh so many good books to read.
I've also bought a NGageQD, quite a fun toy. And a cell phone too... I know, this is an uncommon post, full of trivialities and materialisms. But life is like that, full of small things.
Been reading the Hitchhiker series, I just love Douglas Adams style. Also I'm in sort of a Star Wars frenzy, re-viewing every picture that comes to my hands.
Life is going well like this. The escape pods all route to science fiction, not much patience to worry about what's going on actually.
I don't want to care about these things, I'm letting things happen as they do, and I don't care at all about the outcome. So far this is working out and I'm having a good time, thank you.
The english accent will perhaps glue to my writing style for a few months, as I'll probably re-read the hitchhiker series again as soon as I finish. They're very good.
We see the signs of the passage of time in most different ways.
Sometimes it's us looking older in the mirror. Sometimes it's our friends looking younger than us. Sometimes we feel we no longer have time to do all we gotta do.
But sometimes, perhaps less often than I like, we feel that the old powers controlling our life are starting to weaken. They're starting to feel old themselves. Not older in a wiser sense, but older and weaker, and more of a shadow of what once they were. A shadow of that control they could exert. Then they think they're pulling strings of a puppet, but the puppet now pulls the string into the direction it wants, and the puppeteer moves his hand along, unaware he is the puppet now.
Another link broke in my chains. I feel freer than yesterday and tomorrow I shall be even more free. Where before I reacted to his actions, now I got the upper hand, and he is the one to react.
I step into loose stones in a tortuous path. I can see myself rolling and tumbling and getting myself hurt and hurting along people I love in the course of my path. From this pain and those sore feet another me shall be born. And strong it will be, with pride and dignity. And I will laugh and pity the destiny of my enemies, for their unfairness shall be their own dammation.
Sometimes I think I worry too much about my life.
Right now I'm trying to understand why some people DOESN'T WORRY at all about how the world works.
Do you understand people do have their motives? Did you ever tried to understand why even the laziest of your friends is so lazy?
Yeah, I know sometimes there is no real good answer.
But that is a good exercise on being humble, and on being compassionate. Yeah, reading Dalai Lama does give some sort of side effects.
I see now how some people simply label other people as complete idiots where sometimes that is only some sort of shell where they get some protection from being overwhelmed by requests and requests all of them totally egocentered. Their jobs don't include people coming from all sides making requests like: "I can't format my page! Or I can't see my emails" Of course they offer support, but people should try learning by themselves a bit. By denying service you also give them a chance to self-learn. You may think this is totally distorted, but if you listened to a few requests I've heard you would agree with me in no time at all.
In return for trying to do their work in peace, all they get is people labeling them as lazy and incompetent. Where as the work that is really important is getting done. But of course, since no personal request is being granted, nobody does thanks them at all. That is really a cruel world we live.
I'm trying to view people without so much prejudice. I feel better this way. I feel I'm giving people some chance to show me their good side. Sometimes people talk to me truthfully, and they trust in me. When I compare this to some people I know, I feel I'm really learning to enjoy life.
Where are the nay sayers?
Fate is betting his coins in me. Doors are opening again.
I've bet my very life on this choice. And now I'm getting my prize. In a few months, I believe, my life will be totally different from the road I've chosen almost 4 years ago.
I will be free again, like I was, without any chains, without lies and empty promises. At last I will live again by my choices, by my very hands.
I've learned the lesson the hard way. Everything given weakens the needed. Nothing should be given. It makes you totally incapable of being yourself.
Learn to give and you will be strong. But never give freely or you will weaken those around you. And they may never forgive you. As I will never forget the chains that bound me these last years.
Two sides in a coin. Like my life which is pretty happy and my problems which are fuc*ing getting me out of my mind.
I have to make decisions everyday which I believe nobody else approves. Nobody understands the reasons for what I choose. Not one of them tries to think if they would do the same or if they really understand my priorities.
People think I can let go of my opportunities and lose that which I'm not sure if it will happen again in the future. My choices go after that which will never happen again, rather than something I can retry. That's why I let go of my studies sometimes. I can retry my studies anytime. But some things like what I'm doing right now - teaching, I won't have another chance at all. That's a new career opening before me. A new hope for a new future. A chance of doing something really different than what I did these last 7 years.
I prefer to fail, in a path where I can walk again, than lose the chance of doing something I've never done before.
People go for the easy road. They make safe bets, they don't want to lose that which they see easy to conquer. They don't believe their skills. Can't learn by themselves. Don't trust their instincts.
My life is not this easy shit where everything happens out of plain luck everytime. My mother can't pay for my studies. I cannot trust the relatives that once said they were like parents for me. I have no regret for these facts. But I see people that consider these facts as absolute rights. They think everyone has the divine right of having his parents paying for their studies. There was never in the life of such people the need to make a choice where you never win at all, you only minimize losses.
I make difficult choices everyday. I let go of so much I want to do, in the name of that which I believe is right for my future.
As if the weight of such choices isn't heavy enough, I have to deal with the disapproval of people that never had to make a single choice like mine before.
These are the two sides of my post. I do what people think is impossible. I dream and I make it real. And I pay a very expensive price for it.
You wanna do the impossible, be ready for the consequences.
But if you ask me if I would advise you to do the impossible, by all means, I say do it. The unquestionable belief you are doing the right thing will follow. But a lot of people won't really understand you. They never do anyway, and most of the time, they really don't care at all. Fuck what people think. Fuck what they say. Believe yourself.
I bet 10 to 1 you, dear reader, thought at least once about how your universe works. How the clock ticks, how the wheels move.
I'll tell you something about the way my universe works.
Everytime I lapse into laziness, everytime I accept what has been given, things start to look bad.
Yeah, that's a tough way to see things.
Yet, I realize now that everytime I left things as they are, I ended up feeling out of the loop. I felt weak and powerless, I was feeling some time ago.
Now that I set some actions, it seems things are lightening up again.
You gotta try it sometimes. Perhaps that's how your universe works. If not, how does it works for you?
Maybe you believe in greater power, maybe you believe in fate. I tried those things, but they're not reliable, IMO.
Try making your life everytime a quest for survival, and you will see how life is full of adventure.
As that Space Tribe tune says: "You create your own happiness".
We modern men have this curious quirk of celebrating a new year. We rejoice the increment of a number. Celebrate a new cycle in earth's movement.
Babble all you want, why we modern men need to rethink our lives every dozen months?
I don't really know, nor I'm immune to it. I caught myself thinking about what I want to get done this year many times.
What I know for sure is that I'm growing older. My body is getting different. My mind demands rest a lot more than before. And I'm just over my mid-twenties.
I need more focus, I need more concentration, I need better planning.
Time is passing and important decisions are everyday nearer. Where is the wisdom and experience I need to take such decisions?
I've made important choices in the last few years. I've totally changed my life, year after year. This year, however, looks deceptive. It seems there is no choice to make. Seems like I need to let it flow. Yet I can see some important decisions not yet urgent.
This is for me a year of preparation. Of planning. That's the only road I see open to me now.
I must be ready and prepared.
What of you, gentle reader? What will this year demand of you?