Insomnia is becoming an old friend of mine.
I don't know what causes it. Is it the excess coffee? Tobacco? I will never know for sure.
When I was on medicine, of course, the insomnia was a little more moderate. Yet I remember clearly I had trouble going to sleep as well.
What strikes me harder is that I can't remember what is a good night of sleep. Maybe it's been some years since I gone to bed thinking: "Hey, it's time to go to bed!" And happily to bed I went. Going to bed for me is like walking some portal into an unknown Stephen King world where nightmares lurk in the shadow. Of a deep fear of some unknown force, slowly weakening your reasoning, throwing away your logic. Impossible to sleep, tired mind and body. Looking at the ceiling watching the floor. Fighting whatever is keeping you awake. Desperation of being un-awake, yet not sleeping. Dreaming of being awake.
The best sleep I get these days is when my girlfriend is with me. Sleep comes easily. I need only her at my side and nothing else. She is really good medicine.
Maybe the fact that I'm feeling my life is totally chaotic is affecting my sleep. Indeed I am a good friend of chaos.
The time to reorganize my life is coming back. I already feel the turmoil announcing it. The total waves of disorder, of lateral actions taking place. Priorities going totally unnoticed.
This is a good omen at least. Wished I could break the cycle. Wished I could find a new loop to enter. This chaos-order cycle is driving me nuts.