So, finally september is over. Two very difficult exams got me right in my nerves. I had to break some old bad habits and it was really a test of willpower.

But it is finally over, for the time being. I feel now lighter, faster and meaner.

In the Dune novel, the Bene Gesserit used the following chanted words to reduce their fear.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will allow my fear to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone I will turn my inner eye to see its path. And where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

(extracted from wikipedia.net, GPL'ed text)

We are weird creatures. We cannot accept facts as they are, neither we do what we need because we are told to.

We are creatures ever in need of motivation. Only through pressure we work, we produce, we act.

That's why some people have faith, or some higher strenght driving them toward their goals. Without a goal, and without some power driving you to your goal, you are dead.

We see some people working straight without doubt, like true zealots of their master. Like fingers of a sobrenatural hand.

Where is this Hand? Who is this Master? And what is a far more funnier question, where is my Hand, or my Master.

I always took pride in being free, choosing my own path, being my own Master.

What if I'm not ready to be the Master? What if I cannot choose properly what I need?

Of course, I don't mean I want a new Master. I still want to be free. But this means the Master here needs some new tricks.

How do you learn to master yourself? I've been lazy all these past months, not understanding what was happening to me. Not willing to understand, desiring time to solve things by itself. Then I found letting time pass didn't solve a thing.

Is this the secret all those unstoppable people know? Do they work around the clock, simply because they know this secret? Is there any secret at all? This is fun. :) We circle around the truth, trying to find the end of the circle. Of course basic geometry says there is no end of the circle.

Is this the proof there is no truth? :)

I'm still searching the cure for lazyness.

However, I found some starting hints:

1 - Leaving your bedroom is a good start. I kept my computer in my bedroom, using the bed as a seat. It doesn't work. Really.

2 - Don't stop the music. Yeah, music makes your mind work. You can't think if you keep watching the ceiling. If you at least is dancing or thinking about the lyrics or listening at the beat, you have a better chance of getting some work done.

3 - Turn off any instant messengers you have, that's obvious, if you keep chatting around, you get nothing done.

For now, these are the hints. They're not 100% effective, but they're helping me a bit. I shall be adding more results, as they appear. This is my number one problem right now, I'm serious about solving it forever.

I'm the kind of guy that spends a good time thinking.

All those years thinking made me observe some patterns in my own behaviour.

There are two opposite patterns (among others) I want to talk about now.

The first is a very strong creative burst I feel sometimes. They are really strong when I feel them, Some years ago, I couldn't recognize them, now I know everytime when I'm having one. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

The second one is the one I'm experiencing right now. I've been thru it some months already, and just now I recognize it as a very important aspect of myself (that needs some work, I guess). It is total lazyness. hehe

It's tough to admit it, but it is happening right now, and it is very strong too. I have no idea whether this will end by itself, like the tidal waves, or if it will require some, or better saying, a lot of willpower.

The list of tasks to do is big. I've got so many different, totally unrelated tasks to complete that I'm feeling a bit lost. Of course I know some tactics to break this problem. I've already made tasklists, I've even have some idea how long those will take. The problem is I have no real intention of doing them. And this is really a serious problem. Unmotivated nothing can get accomplished.

So, for the time being, I will keep attacking the tasks one-by-one, albeit not wanting to do them, but really, the problem is unsolved, until I can understand it properly, which of course, will demand some more thinking. That's not really a problem in The Log of Eternal Worries.

I always missed listening to some music with a love and peace theme. Something with a bit of hope in it, without that desperate search for these things.

For the first time I'm listening to Bob Marley, thanks to a friend of mine that lent me his collection.

My search is over. Really beautiful, simple yet powerfull lyrics.

It's a pity people have this wrong image of him, simply because he chose a path most people disaprove. His music is a work of art. My soul is light, my heart full of happiness. You don't need drugs to understand reggae. Just listen to his music.