So, finally september is over. Two very difficult exams got me right in my nerves. I had to break some old bad habits and it was really a test of willpower.

But it is finally over, for the time being. I feel now lighter, faster and meaner.

In the Dune novel, the Bene Gesserit used the following chanted words to reduce their fear.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will allow my fear to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone I will turn my inner eye to see its path. And where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

(extracted from wikipedia.net, GPL'ed text)

We are weird creatures. We cannot accept facts as they are, neither we do what we need because we are told to.

We are creatures ever in need of motivation. Only through pressure we work, we produce, we act.

That's why some people have faith, or some higher strenght driving them toward their goals. Without a goal, and without some power driving you to your goal, you are dead.

We see some people working straight without doubt, like true zealots of their master. Like fingers of a sobrenatural hand.

Where is this Hand? Who is this Master? And what is a far more funnier question, where is my Hand, or my Master.

I always took pride in being free, choosing my own path, being my own Master.

What if I'm not ready to be the Master? What if I cannot choose properly what I need?

Of course, I don't mean I want a new Master. I still want to be free. But this means the Master here needs some new tricks.

How do you learn to master yourself? I've been lazy all these past months, not understanding what was happening to me. Not willing to understand, desiring time to solve things by itself. Then I found letting time pass didn't solve a thing.

Is this the secret all those unstoppable people know? Do they work around the clock, simply because they know this secret? Is there any secret at all? This is fun. :) We circle around the truth, trying to find the end of the circle. Of course basic geometry says there is no end of the circle.

Is this the proof there is no truth? :)

I'm still searching the cure for lazyness.

However, I found some starting hints:

1 - Leaving your bedroom is a good start. I kept my computer in my bedroom, using the bed as a seat. It doesn't work. Really.

2 - Don't stop the music. Yeah, music makes your mind work. You can't think if you keep watching the ceiling. If you at least is dancing or thinking about the lyrics or listening at the beat, you have a better chance of getting some work done.

3 - Turn off any instant messengers you have, that's obvious, if you keep chatting around, you get nothing done.

For now, these are the hints. They're not 100% effective, but they're helping me a bit. I shall be adding more results, as they appear. This is my number one problem right now, I'm serious about solving it forever.

I'm the kind of guy that spends a good time thinking.

All those years thinking made me observe some patterns in my own behaviour.

There are two opposite patterns (among others) I want to talk about now.

The first is a very strong creative burst I feel sometimes. They are really strong when I feel them, Some years ago, I couldn't recognize them, now I know everytime when I'm having one. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

The second one is the one I'm experiencing right now. I've been thru it some months already, and just now I recognize it as a very important aspect of myself (that needs some work, I guess). It is total lazyness. hehe

It's tough to admit it, but it is happening right now, and it is very strong too. I have no idea whether this will end by itself, like the tidal waves, or if it will require some, or better saying, a lot of willpower.

The list of tasks to do is big. I've got so many different, totally unrelated tasks to complete that I'm feeling a bit lost. Of course I know some tactics to break this problem. I've already made tasklists, I've even have some idea how long those will take. The problem is I have no real intention of doing them. And this is really a serious problem. Unmotivated nothing can get accomplished.

So, for the time being, I will keep attacking the tasks one-by-one, albeit not wanting to do them, but really, the problem is unsolved, until I can understand it properly, which of course, will demand some more thinking. That's not really a problem in The Log of Eternal Worries.

I always missed listening to some music with a love and peace theme. Something with a bit of hope in it, without that desperate search for these things.

For the first time I'm listening to Bob Marley, thanks to a friend of mine that lent me his collection.

My search is over. Really beautiful, simple yet powerfull lyrics.

It's a pity people have this wrong image of him, simply because he chose a path most people disaprove. His music is a work of art. My soul is light, my heart full of happiness. You don't need drugs to understand reggae. Just listen to his music.

I'm desperately searching for the God of Mathematics. I really need to make a sacrifice to Him and ask for grades in Calculus I.

If you know Him, or know his e-mail or something, please send me a message so I can contact Him. Really.

My only fear is that He asks me to do calculus exercises. That really would be a sacrifice to big for my mortal mind.

We are nearing a year of my father's death.

Since the next weeks will be very busy, here is a great quote, from Roland of Gilead and Eddie of New York, taken from The Dark Tower by Stephen King (some parts cut):

"Say your lesson, Eddie. And be true"

"I do not shoot with my hand; he who shoots with his hand has forgotten the face of his father."
"I do not aim with my hand; he who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father."
"I aim with my eye."
"I do not kill with my gun; he who kills with his gun has forgotten the face of his father."
"I kill with my heart."

This is a prayer, and the few gunslingers that still exist (there are only 4 of them) know this prayer by heart.

I'm no gunslinger. I don't carry guns. I don't shoot people. Yet, I haven't forgot the face of my father. In my heart, in my every act of will, I never forget the face of my father.

Life is short.

And you live only once. When it is done, you are done.

There are no extra lifes. This is no video-game, there are no cheats, no tricks, no trainers.

Today I've got the scary news of a girl that killed herself. She had worked before at my former job, the one owned by my uncle.

It is totally weird. Even if I lost totally the will to live, even if I felt there was no hope. I guess it would be very difficult to suicide.

Actually I have plans if I get so hopeless, but none of my plans include suicide. I could pack my stuff and disappear. I could enter a Buddhist Monastery... Maybe I would even enter some sort of mental institution (hehe). But never I'd forfeit my only life.

I guess this "you live only once" attitude I developed is a big lifesaver. I don't need to destroy my life because I don't like it. It is already destroyed in a sense. All I must do is find another starting point and try again.

You don't live twice, you don't ressurect in a baby, you don't go to heaven, nor hell.

There is no heaven nor hell. Actually there is, but it is inside yourself.

That's why I live in Nirvana. Or rather, I am Nirvana.Nirvana is not heaven. It is peace and the knowledge of this unbelievable clockwork called the Universe. We all are Nirvana because we are all part of the engine. There is no god except when you believe one exists, and it exists only inside yourself then.

That's what makes my life so rich, so colorfull, so happy. I love myself. Now please don't get me wrong. I don't mean I am one sick guy full of pride. There is pride, but my self-love is more like being self-aware. And being aware of myself is what makes me happy.

I'm feeling back in time. About 2 months, take or give a few days.

I just deleted all my work in my actual project. I got that nice feeling of letting go, letting roll and going down the rollercoaster.

Of course I'll have to redo everything again. Just for the fun of it.

You can say it is code refactoring in the most radical sense of computer science methodology.

Sweet nights ahead.

There is Pure Happiness, easy, cheap, strong and extremely addictive.

Listen to the Beat. Feel the Groove. Hear the Scream Inside Your Soul.

Take it deep thru your ears. Let it resonate inside your mind, your heart.

Become the extension of the music. Feel the vibe.

I love the feeling when music rapes my ears. Demanding attention, driving me away. Swirling my thoughts.

Need fuel to do something? Put some good beats in the background. Follow the lead.

The sad man knows not what good music is.

Oh, another lonely day, in this lonely week.

Solitude fills my heart, longing for her sweet lips.

Un-dreaming, Un-awake, unknowing where I am, what I am.

Suffering the long week, on a monday afternoon.

This is going to be a very long week.

And a very lonely one, by the way.

With my girlfriend visiting her grandma, I will have plenty of time for myself. The curious thing is that I already have plenty of time for myself. That's the insomnia real gift.

So, maybe I'll grow a beard, stop bathing, let my hair grow... ah, the lovely troglodyte way of living.

Junk food, good beer, lots of movies (of all kinds)...

My amazement with computers never end.

It seems that I'm getting even more dependent on them. Maybe it is the price I pay for knowing them so much.

Anger builds quickly inside me. Why?

Have you ever tried tracing back the anger... trying to find the source, the motive that made you angry?

I found one tonight.

It happens when I do my best to give someone the best time of her life. And suddenly, I goof, near the end of the night. Then all the magic of the date goes away. Reality strikes hard, strong, powerfull, unforgiving.

I end up sad, because I don't like feeling goofy. I don't like to make mistakes. I don't like being out of control.

Then sadness is a feeling I refuse. I can't accept feeling sad about myself. I prefer to throw it off. Twist it into something that drives me into action, not passiveness. And I grow angry. Really angry.

It's a very solid short circuit inside me. Almost three years trying to understand myself, I thought I had it fixed. It isn't.

Maybe it's a side effect of having strong views about the world. I try so hard to follow the rules of my world that mistakes end up in the heaviest fines.

Go for your dreams, plan all to the end, but never lose the touch with your very humanity. You are not perfect. You are human. You can make mistakes. You can forgive yourself.

Funny thing this shit called Envy.

Maybe one of the most ignorant, idiot, totally wrong feelings... I felt the horrible eye of envy over me my whole life.

Ppl envy my gadgets, my friends, my luck, my projects, my opportunities... As if what I have is so tough to get, so unique or special. My gadgets are like anyone else gadgets. I value them because I know how to use them. There's nothing magical about them.

All my friends became my friends little by little. Shared experiences and projects. Adventures, good talks, nice chats... Nothing special either.

What about my projects? No big secret too. I have an idea. I try to make it real. Can it be so difficult? Tough to grasp or understand? I don't get it. I GO FOR IT.

Yet, I see eyes lurking in the shadows... They watch me wherever I go. They talk behind me... they say... "Look... that's that dude. That arrogant full of himself, king of the mountain dude."

And I did nothing against those ppl. I've never approached one of those ppl and screamed at their faces: "LOOK OVER HERE YOUR LOSER! SUCK MY BIG FAT DI*K, SO YOU LEARN HOW TO DO IT RIGHT"....

Maybe I should start saying these things. After all, I need to have some fun too.

I found another rule in the game of life.

Be careful with your wishes, they might come true.

Yeah, I know, old saying. Nevertheless, it it true. I've been wishing to work on lots of projects, now I got them. And I'm kinda lost organizing my time now.

That's funny because I already had to manage many projects at once and I always did it quite easily.

Have you ever heard about the magical secrets of life?

Yeah, everybody knows a few of them.

For instance, I will give out my personal best secret of life, self-help style: Tell the problems to f*ck itself!

Yes, that easy.

You have a problem, you don't know how to solve it. Say "f*ck you!!!" to it. Very loud, intense, heartfelt. And you will see how easy it will be to solve it then.

Another trick, as I'm in the mood. Never forget you can do what you believe you can do. That's a tough to explain trick because I always hear some as*hole saying: "So, I can fly, then". That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that whatever you need to do, the first thing to do is believe you can do it. Oh, You don't believe me? Think I'm a hypocrite? Well, then I guess you need a bit more confidence.

"Are you a mexiCAN or a mexiCAT?" - Desperado II

So many months distracted by the real world.

I'm back again.

Ever noticed some people are so easily influenced by others?

As if formless creatures, devoid of personality, weak of willpower, avid of new things in their life... Suddenly find someone. A beacon, a guiding light... And then they start to take the form they desire... A child's picture... blunt, excess colours, bold lines... A mis-picture of ourselves. A laugh at what we are and what they're trying to be. Us.

These may be arrogant, reckless, cold and smartass words. But nonetheless, the cynic inside me tell me they are true.

Such people do exist, they are all around us. Vampires of ideas, of personality, of individualism. Of being one outcast and liking it.

I am an outcast, I am happy being an outcast and I don't want followers. No fans, neither.

I want my life, in its uniqueness, in its personal perfection and beauty. In being what nobody else is and living happy with it.

Again, the wheel moves. I feel it rolling... it is slower now and it is good because I can't really think when it is too fast.

Weirdly enough, sometimes I have the feeling of emptiness. It's like being a baloon full of air, floating the void, without will nor destiny.

By the way, I have so many things to do, it makes me feel a bit lost. Maybe that's the reason for this weird feeling.