The End of this Chapter.

Yesterday I finished the hardest 3 years of my life.

Childhood was tough. My teen years were tougher. Living out my father's last years were even tougher. I had many moments in my life where I felt I was having to prove myself yet again.

I do not want to diminish all those past events as they all contributed to the person I am today.

But the last 3 years... They were and most probably will be the hardest 3 years ever. Never before I had to fight myself this hard. Never before I had to understand people so different from my beliefs, from what I believe is Right. 

We are beings of infinite possibilities. We can be our best and our worst. These 3 last years brought out my best. I feel the best I have ever been. But to get there I had to face the worst people I never imagined would exist in real life. I can imagine some people's actions in Game of Thrones or a Stephen King novel. But I saw things that fiction cannot mimic. People so low and dark that no writer would ever dare to create.

That showed me that it is our choice to be what we want. The choice is quick. It's a quanta long. The repercussions are huge and span lifetimes. They will mark your soul, they will mark people's souls forever. Yet some people are not aware of the incredible effect they can impress on other people's lives. It takes a nanosecond to choose to be the your best or your worst. To be better or simply say whatever...

We can never hope to fully understand other people's actions. Sometimes all we are left with are the consequences. And one thing I learned is that sometimes judging people by the consequences is not fair. A part of me wants to believe people do have good intentions. We are not created equally. We do not mature equally. Some people are full of good intentions, even if the results are bad. Some people... as always, some people fail my understanding. I can only label them as evil, repulsive beings, unable to touch the person if front of them. Unable to connect with our core. Some people are dead inside. They lost the touch of goodness. They forgot that good feeling you get from a smile of someone touched by your good actions. They forgot what our life is about. I pity these people, I pity the fact that they exist at all, they would be good examples in fiction but it seems the Cosmic Powers that be need that they physically exist. Perhaps they exist simply to give us something to strive about. Perhaps they are proof that Karma is real. Perhaps they are part of our One-ness that somehow disconnected trying to make sense of it all and now are wailing, screaming, bitching, angry and desperate, resentfull and small, hitting their fists on the table frustrated they cannot escape their very incompetence. Projecting unto others the smallness of their own beings, the flaws so evident that people can only fear being the next target, fearing they will lose their wits and reduce themselves to that empty shell of meat and bones. Fearing the future is a bleak thing where we are imprisoned until our retirement days. Buddha teaches us about compassion. This post is my act of compassion. I hope you can feel the same way as I am feeling now. I mix of frustration and anger of the three years of living with this people. 

I am of course way happier now. I am finally free from them. If I ever have to face people like this in the future, I will be stronger. I will feel better prepared. They are everywhere and I know they are a minority. Yet I end this chapter in my life sure that I am a kinder person, someone much better than the person I was three years before.

Amber Rubarth - "Full Moon In Paris"

I am usually troubled no matter what.

Sometimes I need a break. Music helps me so much when I need it.

Here's something for you to take a break as well.



Lyrics:

A full moon in Paris
There's a full moon in Paris
A full moon in Paris tonight

The trees are dancing
Yeah the trees are all dancing
The trees are all dancing in its light

The black cards are swaying all on the avenue
Cacavonie sounds pouring from moon on roofs
And my heart's praying
For my body to cut it loose
It's no place for a lady to be alone.

A full moon in Paris
There's a full moon in Paris
A full moon in Paris tonight

A full moon in Paris
There's a full moon in Paris
A full moon in Paris tonight

A full moon in Paris
There's a full moon in Paris
I think I'll go back
I'll go back inside

The incredible ability of not following advice.

I wonder how many times I have asked for advice and then ignored it.

The mechanics are simple:

A asks B for advice.

B gives A advice to the best of his/her knowledge.

A proceeds to:

- acknowledges/repeals/discredit advice given

- do nothing at all about advice given.

Curiously I find myself giving advice on a almost daily basis. And I do not give advice without being asked first. So people actively interrupts me and then makes me stop what I am doing. Then I have to actively listen for the person's problem. And last of all. I have to think about what would I do/say/whatever. I consider that the ultimate exercise of friendship. And it goes down the drain when the person ignores your answer completely. 

One of the most annoying behaviours happens when the person actually contests your advice. I remember being extremely annoyed when that happened. Person asks me how to do "task", I give an answer. Person instead says that he/she would rather do "task" in a different manner. As if saying that he/she has a better way of doing "task. I then promptly proceed to tell person to fuck-off. But I would say that behaviour is rather well documented in my book. 

The behaviour I am ranting about right now happens when person actually acknowledges my advice. But does otherwise nevertheless. It is weird. It feels weird. Perhaps this is how my therapist feels most of the time. She always tells me I should actively meditate and do some physical exercise, and I do acknowledge its validity, but I still do not follow the advice I was given.

I have no conclusion today. I still feel perplexed and I do not know what to do about this. But at least its off my system for the moment.

Security, by Hunter S. Thompson

Yesterday was the birthday of one of my favorite writers, Hunter S. Thompson. He died almost 20 years ago, but he was born July 18 in the year of 1937.

My interest on HST started after watching "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas". I bought the book but never got to read it. I bought Hell's Angels and never read it either.

But one day I saw this book on a bookstore - The Proud Highway, first of the "Fear and Loathing Letters", a 3 volume compilation of all the letters he wrote, and I read the preface... And bought it too. As you can imagine, it sat on my desk for years, and I frankly don't know when I actually read the first pages. Those first pages, his first letters, when he was younger than me... They were enough to give me the push I needed. We all need a little push everytime. I am lucky that I am able to be pushed by people like HST.

Below is the letter that gave me that little push I needed. I won't enter into details of when or what I was in doubt. But if you are a close friend of mine, you know my life as a open book. And thus I assure you, whatever moment you thought this letter applies, you are probably right. I read this letter many and many times.

HST, I salute you.

Security
by Hunter S. Thompson (1955).

Security ... what does this word mean in relation to life as we know it today? For the most part, it means safety and freedom from worry. It is said to be the end that all men strive for; but is security a utopian goal or is it another word for rut?

Let us visualize the secure man; and by this term, I mean a man who has settled for financial and personal security for his goal in life. In general, he is a man who has pushed ambition and initiative aside and settled down, so to speak, in a boring, but safe and comfortable rut for the rest of his life.

His future is but an extension of his present, and he accepts it as such with a complacent shrug of his shoulders. His ideas and ideals are those of society in general and he is accepted as a respectable, but average and prosaic man. But is he a man? Has he any self-respect or pride in himself? How could he, when he has risked nothing and gained nothing? What does he think when he sees his youthful dreams of adventure, accomplishment, travel and romance buried under the cloak of conformity? How does he feel when he realizes that he has barely tasted the meal of life; when he sees the prison he has made for himself in pursuit of the almighty dollar? If he thinks this is all well and good, fine, but think of the tragedy of a man who has sacrificed his freedom on the altar of security, and wishes he could turn back the hands of time. A man is to be pitied who lacked the courage to accept the challenge of freedom and depart from the cushion of security and see life as it is instead of living it second-hand. Life has by-passed this man and he has watched from a secure place, afraid to seek anything better. What has he done except to sit and wait for the tomorrow which never comes?

Turn back the pages of history and see the men who have shaped the destiny of the world. Security was never theirs, but they lived rather than existed. Where would the world be if all men had sought security and not taken risks or gambled with their lives on the chance that, if they won, life would be different and richer? It is from the bystanders (who are in the vast majority) that we receive the propaganda that life is not worth living, that life is drudgery, that the ambitions of youth must he laid aside for a life which is but a painful wait for death. These are the ones who squeeze what excitement they can from life out of the imaginations and experiences of others through books and movies. These are the insignificant and forgotten men who preach conformity because it is all they know. These are the men who dream at night of what could have been, but who wake at dawn to take their places at the now-familiar rut and to merely exist through another day. For them, the romance of life is long dead and they are forced to go through the years on a treadmill, cursing their existence, yet afraid to die because of the unknown which faces them after death. They lacked the only true courage: the kind which enables men to face the unknown regardless of the consequences.

As an afterthought, it seems hardly proper to write of life without once mentioning happiness; so we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?

My take on the half empty and half full cup.

Some people like to brag they have the cup half-full.

Is it anything at all?

I say it is not.

A half-full cup is just that. Cup missing half its contents. Likewise, the half-empty cup needs to empty half its contents to be empty. Neither full nor empty.

However, as silly as this post is, there is that never noticed idea of direction. What?

Yes, a half-full cup is said so from the point of view of someone that is expecting it to fill. I do not take you, dear reader, for an idiot. I won't repeat myself.

So you must always take into consideration that very subtle implication of direction.

Some people expect to know nothing, or do very little. Just by saying that gives me shivers. How can someone expect to know little about something. How can someone expect that knowing little is acceptable. That having, for example, no training (or knowledge) is exactly the excuse needed not to perform a task. I know, tonight I am not being very clear.

On the other side, and hoping to make my point clearer, I work that hard to know more. So I can do more. And so, supposedly, that takes me where I am today. As always, understanding myself turns out to be easier than understanding other people's motives.

Of course I am trying to make a mirror conclusion - that is, I am saying that other people must think exactly the opposite as me. They do not want to do a task, then they do not learn how to do it, in hope that that will excuse them from doing it. And by that reasoning (which is the part I do not understand) people are worthy less. Is that a wrong assumption?

I do more, thus I have greater value. I do less, hence I have lesser value.

Oh sometimes I wonder if that is that easy. Probably not.

Yet, this is the Log of Eternal Worries. If they were that quickly answered, they would never be Eternal.

J'ai besoin de pratiquer mon français. Donc ce post (et probablement les prochaines)
serais en Français, cette belle langue. Si vous trouvez ce post avec les erreurs
grammatiques ou orthographiques, et s'il vous plaît, envoyez-moi des commentaires.
Cela me aidera beaucoup!

J'ai decidé de écrire de mon album preferé.

«Division Bell», ma traduction libre - «La Cloche de La Discorde» (et non de la
division). C'est le album le plus émouvant qui je connais, peut-être autant que
le «Dark Side of the Moon». Cela me trouve mélancolique, fou, delirant, et par fin, plein
d'espoir et  nostalgie.

J'aime beaucoup les paroles. Je les chantes a plein poumons. Ce album m'aidé par
toute mes années de l'adolescence.

Je sais. Ce post est complètement different de tous les autres. Ou non. «Plus ça change,
plus c'est la même chose».

Missing some night life

So I received today a survey request from TripAdvisor about São Paulo.

One question inside it striked hard in me "A perfect trip to São Paulo cannot skip..."

And the answer I choose from instinct was "enjoying São Paulo Night Life".

And that hit hard in me. Damm how I miss São Paulo Night Life... Leaving office in a hurry, eating junk food anywhere, taking a nap to be better rested. Leaving in a cab, getting my name checked in a VIP list and hitting the bar asking for Red Bull and a shot of Red Label. Finding the rest of the gang near to the speakers or behind DJ's cabin. Smoking those lung burning Camels (back then it was allowed to smoke indoors). Dancing like nobody was watching. Another Red Bull, another Red Label, another Camel. More arm flapping, cheering for the DJ set. Getting out smelling like a zombie. Getting in a cab again, rushing home for a bath (bathing in the office sometimes, no time to waste) and there it was, Friday upon us. It all would begin again. My weekend began Thursday evening with a workday in between, because Friday night it would go on. Until Sunday afternoon, exhausted from that crazy life I had. Blue monday and it was all starting again soon.

Times long gone, times past. I hope kids these days can enjoy life as I did nineteen. It was awesome.

A post without meaning

Today is the last day I will work in this year of 2013.

And what does it means? Nothing. Thursday I will be back and it will be 2014 already. And what does it means? Nothing.

People make parties to celebrate a new year, and what does it means? Well of course it means it is a Party, it shouldn't need much more than that. But if you believe it has any meaning? Nah, it does not.

This is but a number, drawn from scientific significance of astrophysics, yadda, yadda blabla. And what does it means? Of course, nothing.

The day has no meaning today. I am just waiting for tomorrow. It looks like a day wasted, lost. It is a waste of time. (I am not particularly happy about this paragraph, I feel miserable now)

So, dear reader, if you feel like me today, what can you do to make today better? Can you make today better? Can you give meaning for today? It can be a shitty day or a good day. It depends (a lot) on you.

Did I ever mention here how much I despise the Brazilian educational system? I believe I never mentioned (this is a post inside a post, you will notice it midway, I hope).

To me most universities are merely money-making schemes, barely worried about giving quality education to its students. Even state and federal universities suffer about this, albeit a little less.

When I was in University, I saw students spending family savings, working two, even three jobs, just to be able to pay for graduation costs and become a bachelor, an engineer, a medic, whatever you name it. That shoud be highly commendable, right?

But there is a curious behavior in Brazilian Universities. University Students as a general rule DO NOT like to study. They create all sorts of workarounds just to be able to skip classes without being penalized for it. They shamelessly cheat on exams, they thoroughly copy previous work without any care about being caught. And worse yet, I have witnessed them paying other students to write their final assignments (that was some years ago - I dropped off university in 2006, so much I despised it). When you study in a state/federal institution this is mitigated a bit, but not much. In the end, they are not really trying to learn a profession or start a career. They simply want to finish University and earn their high salary job that comes with the profession description. Yes, some of them are are this delusional. They believe that simply by being shitty students but with a University Diploma, they will "earn by birthtright" a job. Of course fate proves them wrong. But that is besides the point.

I should now say that I have the feeling this must occur all over the world. Perhaps in some cultures this is different (yes I still see hope in manking), perhaps that's the same everywhere. That does not make it any less shameful. Given all those sacrifices families make to send their sons and daughters to University, I would expect no less than full dedication to study (aye, parties allowed, I am not crazy).

But of course, in this blog, I never speak of one thing meaning to talk of that thing.

What drives me completely crazy, crazy as in "I cannot understand how does one feels that is ok" way, is that this University Behavior grows into the person. That "graduate" spends so much time cheating his student life that when he or she starts working, that behavior is just too strong. Thus the "graduate" simply repeats what he has trained himself so hard to achieve. Easy success, fake achievements.

In my profession we have vendor certifications. Basically it's an exam system where vendors grant certificates to professionals that pass some exams. And as every "graduate" student knows, exams can be cheated.

And cheaters... well, cheaters are cheaters. They will of course look for the easy way out. They will shamelessly cheat on such exams. I can see some of you right now saying "this should be some surprise for me... but it is not".

It is no real surprise such professionals exist, right? When you see that person holding dozens of Vendor and Industy Certifications, and you have that gut instinct about that persons real skill. You may be just right.

Incredibly, they get to the point they are proud of their certifications. That's is the part that drives me crazy. They are proud they withold a certification they really did not deserve. They want to be paid what a true professional gets paid. They want all the benefits they "earned" with their certification. Of course I do not doubt your intelligence, so rhetorically: do you see a pattern?

Some people tell me I should be grateful such cheaters exist. In a way I am. I am more sorry for them than grateful. Working in a high quality team is a immensely rewarding experience. Working in a team full of morons that believe they know something and you have to cover their mistakes so your company does not lose reputation is not really good. It will probably ensure your job, but that is tiresome.

What about your profession? What about the cheaters in your life? Are you this judgemental as I am? Should you be?

(I am judgemental, but I tell you, I may judge, but I give no sentences. My judgements are mine only, and they mean very little outside my mind. And even after much thought, it is rather difficult for me to use such judgements negatively. In the past it was an issue, now I know better)

The duality of sharing but not sharing.

I have reached a most curious point in my Internet life.

I have closed my Facebook and Google+ accounts. And it brings me an infinite number of questions.

First and foremost, I have long fought with the idea of wanting to share my ideas, the things I like and all the things I believe that make me what I am - against the complete lack of privacy of sharing a lot of information with people I sincerely couldn't care less.

The closure of the FB and G+ profiles happened because I hate sharing my life with every one on my evergrowing list of people in the world which are uninsteresting, dim, short-sighted, unhappy, ignorant, hypocrites, cowards, racist, homophobic, xenophobic (I could go on and on) people. People that social pressure demands that I 'add as a friend', keep as a friend or whatever. You can argue privacy settings all you want. As long as I even have to have whatever person as 'friend' it is too much for me. Call me whatever name you want. I give no fuck about it.

If in FB "real" society demands to stalk you, to create complex privacy lists and sharing configurations, in G+ it is someone you have no idea at all why he/she decided to stalk you. This is a sort of social pressure we all feel, we all exert such pressure, and I have finally taken my stand on the issue. My life is better without online stalkers. And I couldn't escape stalking people lives as well, in a way that's how it works. I can see you, you can see me.

Which of course, turns the subject completely to this blog. I have shared my thoughts here since who-knows-when? Years ago I chose to close comments, and now I have decided to get it back to my original writing style. With pure discussion of Eternal Worries, without facts, without dates. As they should ever be.

This way I hope to keep this blog open. I have closed the last feedback route by taking off the +1 button and so now you can only read the blog. No likes, no +1, no comments. It looks very boring, and why not, I never intended it to be fun. It will interest probably only me. And maybe one or two readers, and for you my friends, for you, I keep it open as it always were. I don't need to know who you are, but you are close to my heart nonetheless.

As for sharing the rest of my life. Closing my FB account has an interesting side effect. Perhaps now I can share my other loved hobbies in different blogs. I would the chance to hide myself while sharing that which I love. It works much better and the feedback would be untainted.

(And yes, I miss being able to see pictures of my true friends. I miss seeing my so carefully trimmed timeline, with only the people I really love, but well, we can always get in touch someway)

I'm living some quite conflicting days.

Did you, friendly reader, ever got yourself feeling both opposites of a quality? Ehm? Like the fastest and the slowest, the smartest and the dumbest. Direct opposites.

How can a person feel that? And the answer is simple. You set up a goal and work towards it. You go hard towards it. You are progressing. Yet you are not there yet. That makes me feel at the same time the best and the worst. I feel progress at turtle steps. As if the end of the road is so so far away and I am walking inches in minutes.

I need to get quicker at network config. It's tough. Because I never before worried so much about being faster. Oh if by my will I could set my mind in motion. That's Mentat mantra for you. (from Dune, if you haven't read Dune, stop - read the book, come back later).

Sometimes I read the many command outputs and logs, look at the diagrams and the task items and restrictions. And I keep staring blankly at the screen hoping I enter into Mentat mode and spit out a Prime Projection. Of course it doesn't work. I have no Sapho Juice. I have coffee, but I guess it's not the same.

Regardless, I digress. I need to think faster. You may think I am fast, (yeah, a few people think I'm fast) but I need more.

How do you, friendly reader, get better into that which people regard you are competent enough. (well, people must believe I'm competent at this, otherwise I wouldn't be studying so much, right?)

Conscious Breathing

Taken from http://www.mindfulnessmeditationcentre.org/breathingGathas.php

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.

Breathing in, I see myself as a flower.
Breathing out, I feel fresh.

Breathing in, I see myself as a mountain
Breathing out, I feel solid.

Breathing in, I feel myself as still water.
Breathing out, I reflect things as they are.

Breathing in, I see myself as space.
Breathing out, I feel free.

Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out.

As my in-breath grows deep,
My out breath grows slow.

Breathing in makes me calm.
Breathing out brings me ease.

With the in-breath, I smile,
With the out-breath I release.

Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment.

Feelings come and go, like clouds in a windy sky
Conscious breathing is my anchor.

Two sides of happiness (maybe three).

Once again, so much time has passed since my last post.

First of all, after such troubled times, I feel that I'm living some of the best of my days. It doesn't mean they are trouble-free, but it means I'm looking at their best sides, and my friendly reader, it means a lot.

It turns out I'm finally living all those teachings regarding "looking at the best side of life", etc. It's damm simple actually. Get all your life problems and make they really small. You can use whatever technique you like. Either visualization, hearing (yeah, some people "listen" to their thoughts), whatever. Just make it small. Imagine a globe with all your problems and imagine your hands making it a small ball, very tiny. Or if you are a "hearing" person, make them from very loud to barely whispers.

Make sure you don't make them disappear in your head. It's not about ignoring them. It's about giving them the proper importance, which is way smaller than what you're used to guess. It'll work, I guarantee or I'll give you a refund.

Also, make sure you don't start imagining the best parts of your life. That would, in the realm of this post, create expectations. Expectations are bad, in my opinion. They end up frustrating you. I used to be very frustrated. That's because I used to have huge expectations. I expected a lot from me. From my job, friends, from relatives, even from my wife and my dog. We keep expecting the best from ourselves and other people that we end up totally crashed when those things didn't happen. That's stupid right? We are suffering because of things we created inside our head that never even passed thru other people's head. Can you see from the last sentence how absurd it is?

Let me tell you how to cope with it, it may be hard, but that's because we feed on such thoughts: Don't expect people to do the right thing. It sounds pessimistic. It is not. It's more of a zen thing. You don't expect good. But you don't expect bad either. You don't expect anything. You avoid expectation, and thus you are free. That's it. Much easier said than done. You will need some time to feel it, and I never knew that's what some time meditating exists for. Spend some time just contemplating the idea. No need to sit like a buddhist monk, or doing yoga stunts. Do it when you are shitting, when you are about to sleep, when you're listening to your favorite band, on the treadmill, wherever, as long as you are doing the thinking actively, it will work. People make simple things too complex these days. Just do it, you will reap results.

Last of all, as sort of a corollary of the previous idea, please don't do what people expect just because they expect it of you. People expect you to do tons of shit. Friendly reader, this is totally fucked up. It makes you sick to the bone. It creates inside of you that horrible feeling you are not true to yourself. As if you are constrained by what society expects of us. I tell you, this is worthless. I stopped doing what people expected of me some years ago. It made me free. Oh right, some people will disaprove. But these people disaprove a lot of things, if you never noticed. Naysayers are always saying no. Fuck them. Everytime you do things you feel you shouldn't have done you end up feeling a little more miserable. It's a horrible feeling, I tell you from personal experience. So what do you do? Find an excuse. Find someone else to do it for you, ignore the request, whatever. No point in shackling yourself to the bounds of hypocrisy. Let yourself do what people expect of you only if you really want to do it.

Well as you can see, I'm a bit inspired and could keep on this preaching all day long. I won't. I wanted this post shorter than what it is, but it's ok I guess.

I used to think a lot about what the fuck I am doing here.

These days I don't think much about this. I just found out that as long as I am doing what I like to do, with people I like to be with, that is good enough. Heck, that's great! I just have to keep away those I don't like, and get rid of the things I don't like to do, as fast as I can.

It usually works quite well, and all that worrying about Life, the Universe and Everything just doesn't bother me at all.

It does makes sense, doesn't it? It's a simple formula. And usually, the simple answers are the correct ones.

And I believe most people get the same idea. Hey, let me work with such-minded people, let me be with such-minded people - there, that's paradise on earth! And I  bet such people recognizes one another. Fast. Such people got such clear perception of how life can be good, that it's impossible for people like this not to get along. Give it some years and this is the stuff of long lasting friendships.

But of course, all these years worrying gave me another good insight - there are people that don't think this is the answer. In fact, these are the people that have been perplexing me most of the time I spend here in the blog.

How can it not make any sense? What the fuck are these people doing here?

Who are these people that don't know what the fuck they're doing here? Why they cannot simply do what they like to do? Why cannot them be with the people they like to be with?

First answer could be "they don't know what they like to do" and I'll tell you, yes, they know. Everybody knows. Some just don't believe hard enough that they can do it for a living. But that's besides the point. The point is that some people don't really believe that doing what they like is important. That's the point.

So... what the fuck is important for these people?

I don't know. I spent the last three hours trying to write about this. And I'm giving up for now. I don't have a clue. Maybe they don't like to think, or they hate change, maybe they don't want any challenges in life. Dude, maybe they're hollow. Maybe they don't like to help. Maybe they've been waiting since 8am for 6pm so they can leave the office again. It makes no sense to me, and trying to make such things make any sense is weird, so I'm probably wrong. I'm feel confusion again.

Anyway, I'll publish this post maybe my confusion goes away. :)

Go For It!

Hoje lembrei de um gringo desconhecido, que vendia camisetas meio havaianas mas com estampas de dragões, o cara era loiro e falava com sotaque australiano.


Um monte de fotos em lugares diferentes no quiosque de roupas dele. Ele mal falava Português. Eu perguntei pro cara... "Como foi que você veio parar aqui?" eu estava numa feira de cultura alternativa, na Barra Funda em SP, em 1999.


Ele respondeu "eu queria conhecer o mundo, então decidi vender roupas para poder fazer isso." E eu falei, "que coragem, eu também queria fazer isso". E ele "Manda ver!" (Go for it!) Desde então, eu guardo estas três palavras como parte da minha filosofia pessoal.


É meu motivador para que eu faça aquilo que eu quero, quando eu quero, e da forma que eu quero. Para que eu tente aquilo que todos dizem ser impossível, para que eu ligue o foda-se na hora de enfrentar os desafios.


Conheci algumas pessoas com esta atitude "Go For It!". Eu tenho profunda admiração por estas pessoas.


Este post é para vocês.


PS, naquele dia eu comprei uma camiseta havaiana com estampa de dragões.

Today was a difficult day. Sometimes my job is so easy, besides all the problems people create, besides all the problems I create myself, because I have with me people that love doing their jobs.

It is *very* easy to work with people that love their jobs. It is easy to connect with them, even when we disagree, because we share the same goal. Because I can feel their passion. And I can relate to that. And I feel it too. These people I like the most, they also have their own problems to solve but they're mostly concerned on preserving this feeling. We're all in deep shit, but we've got to work together and it's something we're gonna be proud of. And we are. And fuck all the rest.

Sometimes, though. I see people obsessively worried on being perfect.Throwing your words back at you misinterpreted. Wait, what? You were talking about something else. Yes, that's exactly the confusion I felt today. I was about to say this. I was about to tell someone that this is what makes our work good, besides all the odds and egos.

And it got out of control. Suddenly it became an argument about agressiveness, about teamwork, about being right, and about people's opinions. It became shit. I became an argument about things that shouldn't be said and were. About me losing my voice, as if slapped in the face, hands almost shaking (were them shaking?), as if I had gone where I shouldn't. As if I had betrayed those I had sworn (to myself) to help.

I felt shame. And I still feel. I failed. I failed to help someone. I failed to lead. I failed to be a better person.

It will make me think twice, thrice, tetrice even. I will try harder. I just hope it never happens again, this confused feeling that feels like my failure is hurting another person. And guess what, I didn't even like the person. But it feels like I hurt myself. I don't know yet how to interpret this feeling. Shame, guilty, you name it. End of the day and my head hurts. And I guess other people's heads are hurting too.

Not a good day.

I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


Goodbye


I wipe it off on a tile, the light is brighter this time
Everything is turning blasphemy
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I picture me


I can't control my shakes, how the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this
Is it a dream or a memory?


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


Get outta my head 'cause I don't need this
Why didn't I see this?
Well, I'm a victim Manchurian candidate
I have sinned by just makin' my mind up
And takin' your breath away


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


Goodbye


You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
The flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free


You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
The flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell I wait and bleed


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


And it waits for you

When I was younger, I hoped so hard people understood me. So they could understand my motivations, my decisions and all those things you sometimes do looking for appreciation and approval.

Fact is, I don't worry that much about this anymore. Yeah, I don't really care if people understand me at all.

New decisions are coming. New plans are progressing. And yet, I see ahead people saying I'm wrong. Saying I'm moving the wrong way.

Some people I care so much that I take the effort to let them know my motives. Others, those I don't care at all, they will be wondering, they may not, yet I don't care.

Oh yes, there are some I care a lot, but I just cannot open up with them until the time is right. To those I apologize, and of those, I hope they will understand. They are the exception to this post. Because in a way I'm betraying their trust. And to betray someone for me, is a major sin.

So in the Log of Eternal Worries, this is something on my mind right now.

I need to be a bit more honest than usual today.

I'm fucking pissed off.

Hypocrisy always pisses me off. Fake moralism. The idea that you can judge someone on terms that everyone will judge correct. But perverted to the point that instead of bringing order and justice, they serve only to make others feel bad.

It makes me feel that the world is not fair, that it is impossible to win without playing dirty. That if you cannot fight back in the same coin, you are weak.

It pisses me off.

The fact that someone is completely ignoramus can even be accepted. After all, that person is at best doing harm to himself. But being a hypocrite is at another level for me. Damn, being actively hypocrite is the worst of all.

I believe no word exists to name the cruelty of an actively hypocrite person. It's downright evil, cold-hearted, outright dead. There's no return from being actively hypocrite. Once you've gone down that road. You are forever dammed to solitude. You've built for yourself a character that no one will ever love, none will ever befriend. You dig your own hole. Your life is over.

That's probably the darkest post I've ever written, and I hope I never have to touch this subject again. I give it my thoughts now, this is the Log of Eternal Worries. Here my heart connects to my soul and mind, and here I write what results from that. Sometimes... yet sometimes, we need to understand even the hypocrites.

So, did I bite my tongue, since my last post?

I'd say right now that I did. The honeymoon ended, I don't know anymore if I did the right thing. Well, I was expecting some sort of comedown. There's always a comedown about new jobs, isn't there?

*But*, I'm not the type of person that worries about regret at all. I'm more like the type of person that if the plans don't work out exactly the way I planned, I simply need some time to clear my ahead again and make new plans.

What about you, what do you do when you plans don't work as you wished?

Do you have a backup plan? Do you get depressed and cry about how unfair is life? Or do your plans never fail? (Are you kidding?)

I'm thinking about being a bit more bold than what I did in the past. It won't be easy. It never is. Hard never stopped me from doing anyway. I'm not 20ish anymore though. Gotta make some plans this time so it works alright. Oh plans again, dammed word that sticks to my thoughts lately... ouch

Don't want to make sense anymore, so I should stop writing.