Go For It!

Hoje lembrei de um gringo desconhecido, que vendia camisetas meio havaianas mas com estampas de dragões, o cara era loiro e falava com sotaque australiano.


Um monte de fotos em lugares diferentes no quiosque de roupas dele. Ele mal falava Português. Eu perguntei pro cara... "Como foi que você veio parar aqui?" eu estava numa feira de cultura alternativa, na Barra Funda em SP, em 1999.


Ele respondeu "eu queria conhecer o mundo, então decidi vender roupas para poder fazer isso." E eu falei, "que coragem, eu também queria fazer isso". E ele "Manda ver!" (Go for it!) Desde então, eu guardo estas três palavras como parte da minha filosofia pessoal.


É meu motivador para que eu faça aquilo que eu quero, quando eu quero, e da forma que eu quero. Para que eu tente aquilo que todos dizem ser impossível, para que eu ligue o foda-se na hora de enfrentar os desafios.


Conheci algumas pessoas com esta atitude "Go For It!". Eu tenho profunda admiração por estas pessoas.


Este post é para vocês.


PS, naquele dia eu comprei uma camiseta havaiana com estampa de dragões.

Today was a difficult day. Sometimes my job is so easy, besides all the problems people create, besides all the problems I create myself, because I have with me people that love doing their jobs.

It is *very* easy to work with people that love their jobs. It is easy to connect with them, even when we disagree, because we share the same goal. Because I can feel their passion. And I can relate to that. And I feel it too. These people I like the most, they also have their own problems to solve but they're mostly concerned on preserving this feeling. We're all in deep shit, but we've got to work together and it's something we're gonna be proud of. And we are. And fuck all the rest.

Sometimes, though. I see people obsessively worried on being perfect.Throwing your words back at you misinterpreted. Wait, what? You were talking about something else. Yes, that's exactly the confusion I felt today. I was about to say this. I was about to tell someone that this is what makes our work good, besides all the odds and egos.

And it got out of control. Suddenly it became an argument about agressiveness, about teamwork, about being right, and about people's opinions. It became shit. I became an argument about things that shouldn't be said and were. About me losing my voice, as if slapped in the face, hands almost shaking (were them shaking?), as if I had gone where I shouldn't. As if I had betrayed those I had sworn (to myself) to help.

I felt shame. And I still feel. I failed. I failed to help someone. I failed to lead. I failed to be a better person.

It will make me think twice, thrice, tetrice even. I will try harder. I just hope it never happens again, this confused feeling that feels like my failure is hurting another person. And guess what, I didn't even like the person. But it feels like I hurt myself. I don't know yet how to interpret this feeling. Shame, guilty, you name it. End of the day and my head hurts. And I guess other people's heads are hurting too.

Not a good day.

I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


Goodbye


I wipe it off on a tile, the light is brighter this time
Everything is turning blasphemy
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I picture me


I can't control my shakes, how the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this
Is it a dream or a memory?


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


Get outta my head 'cause I don't need this
Why didn't I see this?
Well, I'm a victim Manchurian candidate
I have sinned by just makin' my mind up
And takin' your breath away


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


Goodbye


You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
The flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free


You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
The flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell I wait and bleed


I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed


And it waits for you

When I was younger, I hoped so hard people understood me. So they could understand my motivations, my decisions and all those things you sometimes do looking for appreciation and approval.

Fact is, I don't worry that much about this anymore. Yeah, I don't really care if people understand me at all.

New decisions are coming. New plans are progressing. And yet, I see ahead people saying I'm wrong. Saying I'm moving the wrong way.

Some people I care so much that I take the effort to let them know my motives. Others, those I don't care at all, they will be wondering, they may not, yet I don't care.

Oh yes, there are some I care a lot, but I just cannot open up with them until the time is right. To those I apologize, and of those, I hope they will understand. They are the exception to this post. Because in a way I'm betraying their trust. And to betray someone for me, is a major sin.

So in the Log of Eternal Worries, this is something on my mind right now.

I need to be a bit more honest than usual today.

I'm fucking pissed off.

Hypocrisy always pisses me off. Fake moralism. The idea that you can judge someone on terms that everyone will judge correct. But perverted to the point that instead of bringing order and justice, they serve only to make others feel bad.

It makes me feel that the world is not fair, that it is impossible to win without playing dirty. That if you cannot fight back in the same coin, you are weak.

It pisses me off.

The fact that someone is completely ignoramus can even be accepted. After all, that person is at best doing harm to himself. But being a hypocrite is at another level for me. Damn, being actively hypocrite is the worst of all.

I believe no word exists to name the cruelty of an actively hypocrite person. It's downright evil, cold-hearted, outright dead. There's no return from being actively hypocrite. Once you've gone down that road. You are forever dammed to solitude. You've built for yourself a character that no one will ever love, none will ever befriend. You dig your own hole. Your life is over.

That's probably the darkest post I've ever written, and I hope I never have to touch this subject again. I give it my thoughts now, this is the Log of Eternal Worries. Here my heart connects to my soul and mind, and here I write what results from that. Sometimes... yet sometimes, we need to understand even the hypocrites.

So, did I bite my tongue, since my last post?

I'd say right now that I did. The honeymoon ended, I don't know anymore if I did the right thing. Well, I was expecting some sort of comedown. There's always a comedown about new jobs, isn't there?

*But*, I'm not the type of person that worries about regret at all. I'm more like the type of person that if the plans don't work out exactly the way I planned, I simply need some time to clear my ahead again and make new plans.

What about you, what do you do when you plans don't work as you wished?

Do you have a backup plan? Do you get depressed and cry about how unfair is life? Or do your plans never fail? (Are you kidding?)

I'm thinking about being a bit more bold than what I did in the past. It won't be easy. It never is. Hard never stopped me from doing anyway. I'm not 20ish anymore though. Gotta make some plans this time so it works alright. Oh plans again, dammed word that sticks to my thoughts lately... ouch

Don't want to make sense anymore, so I should stop writing.

So much has changed since my last post.

I had a lot of plans willing to come out, each of them calling for my attention.

What changed since then? I'll tell you, in plain, simple, direct words. I got a new job.

Does it means that all of these plans have changed? Of course not! But the change is so fundamental... Whereas until now I've been at the mercy of the uncertainty, not knowing if I'd still be working at the same company a few years from now, I finally feel that I work somewhere where I can grow career-wise.

That's a bold statement, even premature. Well, this is a feeling, right. It's supposed to be premature.

In a few months I'll be able to get a better grip on my (hopefully) new reality. So far, it does look very promising.

But I digress, I was talking about my plans and the effect of my new job on them. I'll need to rethink some of them. New doors are open, and I still ponder if any closed at all, I believe not.

It'll be fun to re-read this post in a few months. Who knows what plans I'll be making then?

In my last post, I was trying to find what I'd be worried next. Well, it turns out that I have a lot of things to worry about, as you might have guessed.

Yeah, like, should I plan my next vacations? Should I save to buy an apartment? What certification is next? Should I enter a gym? Should I start my post-graduation studies?

As you can imagine, I want to answer YES to all of these questions. Alas, I'm just one. And that means that I've to pick one. Not an easy matter. Each of the above goals have its pros and cons. All of them, if you think dearly of each, have their pros outweighing the cons!

Now, that can be confusing, if you keep trying to weigh one over another, that is where the mistake is.

Well, pick one and go for it! That's a good answer, after all, all are good choices, any is better than none.

But one of all others is my personal favorite. Yeah! Vacation planning!! No, sorry, that *should* be my fav, but it ain't. It's pursuing my next certification, and I can give you a reasonable excuse: an advance in my certification - a significant one, is the necessary step to open doors to two other plans. Vacations and our own apartment.

That's a plan I've been procrastinating for almost a year, since I finished my CCNP. And it's about time I pull it back to the foreground again.

Oh! That brings another good Eternal Worry to the front! When, dear reader, when is the proper time to start one of your personal plans? Everybody has a plan right? Why do you keep it deep in your drawer? Why don't you start it? Why not today? Why not now?! You might say, oh that's easy for you to say, you're writing on a blog right now. So, that's not much for a plan startup...

It is. It's the materialization of my will to move my life forward. And maybe motivate you, dear reader, to help you start your plans too.

Shall we?

My vacations ended fast, life resumed, work resumed.

Right now life is pretty good. Got a lot of bills to pay, like everyone. But we're in a new apartment. Rented it quite quickly, moved in fast... Unboxed almost everything.

I have been wondering about what to do next. Oh, I didn't mention, did I? I'm on my final week of exams and after that I'll be finally graduated... into network technologies. Two years and a half of seeing people learn the basics of networking, getting a bit smarter about our trade... I maybe even got a few new friends.

As to finishing graduation itself. I don't care. Really. You might say, "oh yeah, you don't care, then why the heck are you talking about it?" Well, because that's the hook for the question. What next? As you, dear reader, must already wonder, I'm not worried about the endings. Endings are just like targets for me. Once I hit it I want to target something else.

I'm always wondering what I'll do next. At least that's how my mind works these days...

I remember worrying about how I'd pay my bills. How I would even survive in the next month. If I were performing fine at work. If this or that pain in the ass coworker would miss work tomorrow, or die shitting in the toilet...

Well, I digress. I used to worry a lot. That's the point. Right now I'm not worrying that much at all. That's what I've been worrying about. I mean, that I'm kinda worried about not being worried at all. Confusing? Nah, not really. Worrying perhaps.

Maybe I'm more self-confident. Maybe I just know that things will work out anyway. Maybe I realized that letting things happen won't hurt a bit.

So that leaves a lot of room to do other things. Like worrying about what to do next. What was that again?

:)

Vacations! Time to work on Nothing!

I can't really remember the last time I had real vacations. No, I'm not visiting a new city, having the time of my life or walking the outback of Australia... I'm at home, playing PS3 and laying on my sofa the whole day.

What you maybe wondering, friendly reader... is "What?! You're doing nothing the whole day?" Yep, I am! Doing nothing with pride, with a complete sense that doing nothing is exactly what I had in mind for my vacations.

I've been covering my coworkers vacations and trainings since november last year, and boy, that is tiresome. Not stressful as my work marathon in '00, of course, that I hope I'll never do again. But tiresome anyway.

Alas, I'm on my 3rd official day of vacations, I still have 7 days of vacations to cover and I plan to enjoy each day doing absolutely nothing! Except, of course, eating, sleeping, drinking homebrew coffee, smoking and playing PS3! hehe

People travel on their vacations, visit their relatives, meet new people, new places... Hey, that is fun, except of course visiting relatives *grin*. If you ask if I want to do such things, yeah I want. Not these vacations, though. I enjoy all these things (no need to work on that, I'm as human as you are), but life has a lot of meaning everywhere. Be it away or at home.

Reader, when are your next vacations? Can you enjoy your vacations no matter where you are? I bet you can. Try it.

It's been a while since I really felt the need to write. There's no real Eternal Worry troubling my mind at all. I just felt the need to vent out a bit, about some religious fanatics I saw on some blog commentaries elsewhere.

What in the damn universe were such people thinking when they gave up all reasoning and spiritualism and decided to be The Blind Zealots of The Only True Religion That Will Bring Salvation? What deturped idea is that they call Faith? Why do they say "Deus é Fiel" when they should be the faithfull ones (unless that quote states that god has such a good self-steem, I doubt it, that is, if he existedu).

Above all, why they have such idiotic need to disprove, humiliate and disrespect other religions? Where did this people read that is mandatory? Who told them that is proper attitude? Lemme answer that myself. They've never read it anywhere, and nobody told them that is how they should treat others. They're simply trying to justify arrogance and a very flaky ego behind "sacred teachings". In the end, although they boast being religiousness, they're the complete opposite of the true teachings of their religion. If religion was a belief (is it?) I'd call them hypocrites, as they'd be offended of considered a belief, I believe I need to call them... what? sinners? Nah, they've committed no sin, did they?

Dear reader, do me a favor. Ask your inner god for guidance. I bet the universe will be grateful.

Oh music, glorious food to our souls... From time to time I get myself listening to some I find extremely attuned to my feelings.

This one I've listened many, many times, one of my personal favorites. (btw, I couldn't find any good lyric for this track... horrible errors of transcription, so don't mind the errors).

Blink, by Infected Mushroom.

Don't smoke, Don't drink
All I do is think
About the lifelines, hard times
Trying to be kind, such a drama player
Trying to amuse myself

Beats and waves will take my to my grave
And when I go there I know that I won't be alone
Because I've been spotted, blotted
Many, many times before

Eased and pleased, Released from my shiver
I will be flying above, the hated and the loved
And if you see me honey,
You had better blink your eyes

Strange how lines blur into one
Bond with me and have some fun
To blow our mind
This is the way to expand the time

Trouble comes in many forms
I'll show you mine if you show me yours

Walking out of the circle
Step by step I'm learning alone
That I can conquer my demons
Just need to remember my home

There's no need to be frightened
We here already, all dead
But yet on our unending vibration
Danger lurks only in my head

Come break through with me
Such wonders terrify the soul
It's real, no need to question
Knowledge infiltrates the whole

Lightning strikes in the darkest places

Threatened we have to make choices
Lizards try to tell us which one

Strange how lines blur into one
Blend with me and have some fun
Blow our mind
This is the way to expand the time

Trouble comes in many forms
I'll show you mine if you show me yours

Strange how lines blur into one
Blend with me and have some fun
Blow our mind
This is the way to expand the time

Trouble comes in many forms
I'll show you mine if you show me yours

Don't smoke, Don't drink
All I do is think
About the lifelines, hard times
Trying to be kind such a drama player
Trying to amuse myself

Beats and waves will take me to my grave
And when I go there I know that I won't be alone
Because I've been spotted, blotted
Many, many times before

Eased and pleased, released from my shiver
I will be flying above the hated and the loved
And if you see me honey
You had better blink your eyes

As you can see, I'm not as worried as I used to be. To celebrate this fact, here's some power metal lyric to rise yer warrior spirit:

Demons blood and dragon fire, falling on my wings
Racing to the battle in the sky
Ancient gods are calling me I hear them when they sing
Of all the heores who wait for me to die

Beneath the cloak of magic, Ill meet them in the air
I am invisible, I move without a sound
They look but cannot find me, they think that Im not there
With a spell I send them crashing to the ground

Wait for me dragon, well meet in the sky by fire and magic I am sworn
Hell is calling! we cannot be denied fly to the blackness of the storm
We must die to be reborn

I wear a sacred talisman, I make a secret sign
Now welcome me into this wicked wind
On the journey of a shaman a dragon I must ride
The gates of hell are open! let me in!

Rule in hell or serve in heaven choose an altar or throne
All commandments and the laws of man disown
Now eat the fruit of knowledge unto no one ye atone
Into the fire with your soul!

Wait for me dragon, well meet in the sky by fire and magic I am sworn
Hell is calling! we cannot be denied fly to the blackness of the storm
We must die to be reborn

Demons blood and dragon fire, falling on my wings
Racing to the battle in the sky
Ancient gods are calling me I hear them when they sing
Of all the heores who wait for me to die

Beneath the cloak of magic, Ill meet them in the air
I am invisible, I move without a sound
They look but cannot find me, they think that Im not there
With a spell I send them crashing to the ground

Wait for me dragon, well meet in the sky by fire and magic I am sworn
Hell is calling! we cannot be denied fly to the blackness of the storm
We must die to be reborn

---
Manowar - Ride the Dragon

Lyrics are way too fun!


Work It
Make It
Do It
Makes Us

Harder
Better
Faster
Stronger

More Than
power
Our
Never

Ever
After
Work is
Over

Work It
Make It
Do It
Makes Us

Harder
Better
Faster
Stronger

Work It Harder Make It Better
Do It Faster Makes Us stronger
More Than Ever Hour After
Our Work Is Never Over

--
Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

So, if you do follow my blog, you may remember that I was under a (quite futile) doubt. Should I buy a new car or an used one.

I ended up buying a new one. And I must confess, I'm in love with it. Buying a new car is really a nice and pleasant experience. Though you risk becoming too materialistic... Like being worried about someone accidentally hitting your car... or if some damn bird will poo over it.

I also spent a bit more and had one cd/mp3-player installed. Being in the car almost one hour everyday really demands music.

Anyway, it was a very good experience, I'm damn happy about it.

I'm not even worried about having 5 years of bills to pay.. ouch.

Oh, and btw.. that pic I took 2 days after I got the car. My parking lot is really ugly...

Oh btw... I'll be posting some pics here too, as you just saw. Let's say I'm too lazy to start a new blog only for pics :)

O carro que não vai ser meu!

Não gostei!

Choice, the problem is choice.
One of my all-time favorite quotes...

Choice right now has become a decision about where I'll be losing less. And in most capitalistic terms... completely out of my usual realm of decisions. Should I buy a new car or an used one.

If I buy a new car, I'll have a longer debt and I hope, fewer problems... An used car is a bit cheaper, but I can expect more problems..

Either way, I'm losing money, and that's never good. On the long run, I hope I made the right choice.

Ohh too worried to blog btw...

Face it, friends aren't your guardian angels. They're not there to help you no matter what, no matter the consequences or even to be there for you anytime you want.

Though the romantic view of friends is so delusive, friends are people like you. They're subject to their own moods. They've got their problems. They face difficulties. They have priorities they cannot ignore. And never forget, they chose to be your friend. They may choose otherwise, you need only to do something they cannot accept.

Think to yourself now. Why you don't have friends? Is it because you're always doing something contrary to their beliefs? Is it because you didn't listen to their counseling, when what they were doing with the best of their intentions, was giving real advice, deep from their hearts.

Oh, maybe when they were needing you most, be at work or with a personal issue, instead of being compassionate, you chose to simply ignore their feelings and needs and acted like a complete stranger.

I have few people I can call friends. Those are people I respect, those are people that respect me. They know who I am, they know who they are. They're not there anytime I want, they're not my guardian angels, they're my friends.

There we go, I'm now 30 years old.

New year, new job. Old quotes... Today I care not, I worry not and have no intention of making any sense. My words shall come in any order I find it coming and without any special meaning at all. So, be a kind reader and play along if you will.

"Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose." It's been some 15 years since I read that phrase for the first time, and it still rings very true to my ears.

And like Paul Atreides said, "I will not fear, fear is the mind-killer", let another thirty years come by, then I'll look back to it's path. Only I will remain.

As Roland of Gilead said, and as I've repeated many many times. "I have not forgotten the face of my father."

Oh, and by the way... I hope that when I reach the top of the Dark Tower, it doesn't send me back to the desert like it did to Roland.

Gotta find some new books to read, or maybe re-read some old ones :)

Happy birthday to me! :D