So, time passes and the old gets older.

We see the signs of the passage of time in most different ways.

Sometimes it's us looking older in the mirror. Sometimes it's our friends looking younger than us. Sometimes we feel we no longer have time to do all we gotta do.

But sometimes, perhaps less often than I like, we feel that the old powers controlling our life are starting to weaken. They're starting to feel old themselves. Not older in a wiser sense, but older and weaker, and more of a shadow of what once they were. A shadow of that control they could exert. Then they think they're pulling strings of a puppet, but the puppet now pulls the string into the direction it wants, and the puppeteer moves his hand along, unaware he is the puppet now.

Another link broke in my chains. I feel freer than yesterday and tomorrow I shall be even more free. Where before I reacted to his actions, now I got the upper hand, and he is the one to react.

I step into loose stones in a tortuous path. I can see myself rolling and tumbling and getting myself hurt and hurting along people I love in the course of my path. From this pain and those sore feet another me shall be born. And strong it will be, with pride and dignity. And I will laugh and pity the destiny of my enemies, for their unfairness shall be their own dammation.

Do you try to understand the world around you?

Sometimes I think I worry too much about my life.

Right now I'm trying to understand why some people DOESN'T WORRY at all about how the world works.

Do you understand people do have their motives? Did you ever tried to understand why even the laziest of your friends is so lazy?

Yeah, I know sometimes there is no real good answer.

But that is a good exercise on being humble, and on being compassionate. Yeah, reading Dalai Lama does give some sort of side effects.

I see now how some people simply label other people as complete idiots where sometimes that is only some sort of shell where they get some protection from being overwhelmed by requests and requests all of them totally egocentered. Their jobs don't include people coming from all sides making requests like: "I can't format my page! Or I can't see my emails" Of course they offer support, but people should try learning by themselves a bit. By denying service you also give them a chance to self-learn. You may think this is totally distorted, but if you listened to a few requests I've heard you would agree with me in no time at all.

In return for trying to do their work in peace, all they get is people labeling them as lazy and incompetent. Where as the work that is really important is getting done. But of course, since no personal request is being granted, nobody does thanks them at all. That is really a cruel world we live.

I'm trying to view people without so much prejudice. I feel better this way. I feel I'm giving people some chance to show me their good side. Sometimes people talk to me truthfully, and they trust in me. When I compare this to some people I know, I feel I'm really learning to enjoy life.

Bet on your Fate and Fate will bet back on you.

Where are the nay sayers?

Fate is betting his coins in me. Doors are opening again.

I've bet my very life on this choice. And now I'm getting my prize. In a few months, I believe, my life will be totally different from the road I've chosen almost 4 years ago.

I will be free again, like I was, without any chains, without lies and empty promises. At last I will live again by my choices, by my very hands.

I've learned the lesson the hard way. Everything given weakens the needed. Nothing should be given. It makes you totally incapable of being yourself.

Learn to give and you will be strong. But never give freely or you will weaken those around you. And they may never forgive you. As I will never forget the chains that bound me these last years.

There are two sides on a coin and in this post.

Two sides in a coin. Like my life which is pretty happy and my problems which are fuc*ing getting me out of my mind.

I have to make decisions everyday which I believe nobody else approves. Nobody understands the reasons for what I choose. Not one of them tries to think if they would do the same or if they really understand my priorities.

People think I can let go of my opportunities and lose that which I'm not sure if it will happen again in the future. My choices go after that which will never happen again, rather than something I can retry. That's why I let go of my studies sometimes. I can retry my studies anytime. But some things like what I'm doing right now - teaching, I won't have another chance at all. That's a new career opening before me. A new hope for a new future. A chance of doing something really different than what I did these last 7 years.

I prefer to fail, in a path where I can walk again, than lose the chance of doing something I've never done before.

People go for the easy road. They make safe bets, they don't want to lose that which they see easy to conquer. They don't believe their skills. Can't learn by themselves. Don't trust their instincts.

My life is not this easy shit where everything happens out of plain luck everytime. My mother can't pay for my studies. I cannot trust the relatives that once said they were like parents for me. I have no regret for these facts. But I see people that consider these facts as absolute rights. They think everyone has the divine right of having his parents paying for their studies. There was never in the life of such people the need to make a choice where you never win at all, you only minimize losses.

I make difficult choices everyday. I let go of so much I want to do, in the name of that which I believe is right for my future.

As if the weight of such choices isn't heavy enough, I have to deal with the disapproval of people that never had to make a single choice like mine before.

These are the two sides of my post. I do what people think is impossible. I dream and I make it real. And I pay a very expensive price for it.

You wanna do the impossible, be ready for the consequences.

But if you ask me if I would advise you to do the impossible, by all means, I say do it. The unquestionable belief you are doing the right thing will follow. But a lot of people won't really understand you. They never do anyway, and most of the time, they really don't care at all. Fuck what people think. Fuck what they say. Believe yourself.

How do you think your universe works?

I bet 10 to 1 you, dear reader, thought at least once about how your universe works. How the clock ticks, how the wheels move.

I'll tell you something about the way my universe works.

Everytime I lapse into laziness, everytime I accept what has been given, things start to look bad.

Yeah, that's a tough way to see things.

Yet, I realize now that everytime I left things as they are, I ended up feeling out of the loop. I felt weak and powerless, I was feeling some time ago.

Now that I set some actions, it seems things are lightening up again.

You gotta try it sometimes. Perhaps that's how your universe works. If not, how does it works for you?

Maybe you believe in greater power, maybe you believe in fate. I tried those things, but they're not reliable, IMO.

Try making your life everytime a quest for survival, and you will see how life is full of adventure.

As that Space Tribe tune says: "You create your own happiness".

Back From The New Year Revolution

We modern men have this curious quirk of celebrating a new year. We rejoice the increment of a number. Celebrate a new cycle in earth's movement.

Babble all you want, why we modern men need to rethink our lives every dozen months?

I don't really know, nor I'm immune to it. I caught myself thinking about what I want to get done this year many times.

What I know for sure is that I'm growing older. My body is getting different. My mind demands rest a lot more than before. And I'm just over my mid-twenties.

I need more focus, I need more concentration, I need better planning.

Time is passing and important decisions are everyday nearer. Where is the wisdom and experience I need to take such decisions?

I've made important choices in the last few years. I've totally changed my life, year after year. This year, however, looks deceptive. It seems there is no choice to make. Seems like I need to let it flow. Yet I can see some important decisions not yet urgent.

This is for me a year of preparation. Of planning. That's the only road I see open to me now.

I must be ready and prepared.

What of you, gentle reader? What will this year demand of you?

Get to know some few basics truths about life:

You can't quit smoking without facing some side effects.

Yeah, oficially I've already quit smoking once. I kinda got back into the habit, and last saturday I quit again.

Anyway, the side effects. You get really mean. Yeah, I mean fucking mean. To prove my point, my girlfriend was trying to get me angry, a few hours ago, at the phone. It wasn't nice of her to meet my really bad mean me. I apologized right after. It was almost too late. So, she has her guilty after all. Had she not asked so much for me to quit smoking, maybe this incident never would happen. Yeah, you can say I was the one that started it all, after all, I'm the smoker.

You damm wrong too, if you think like that. There is nothing at all that forbids me to smoke. I smoked because I liked doing it and get real, pal, I still like. I don't smoke simply because I don't want, and fuck you, I won't tell you any fucking reason. You fucking never really understood my side, so fuck you, fuck you fuck you and I won't fucking give any bloody explanation. That's the fucking least I can do to get my free will going sane.

Dammit.

And get real. I'm quitting my tobacco and I won't be mr. nice guy for a good time.

There is an amazingly vast flea market in the web.

If you never tried it, it is really fun, and it works like a charm. You need to know your sources, of course. But once you know them, dealing in the web is rapid, efficient and safe.

I buy all my high-tech gear in the web these days. A few little things I buy with my very personal courier-importabandeator. But most of the hard to find stuff you can easily find online at good online mailing-lists.

Something The Lord of The Eternal Worries never has to worry at all.

Insomnia is becoming an old friend of mine.

I don't know what causes it. Is it the excess coffee? Tobacco? I will never know for sure.

When I was on medicine, of course, the insomnia was a little more moderate. Yet I remember clearly I had trouble going to sleep as well.

What strikes me harder is that I can't remember what is a good night of sleep. Maybe it's been some years since I gone to bed thinking: "Hey, it's time to go to bed!" And happily to bed I went. Going to bed for me is like walking some portal into an unknown Stephen King world where nightmares lurk in the shadow. Of a deep fear of some unknown force, slowly weakening your reasoning, throwing away your logic. Impossible to sleep, tired mind and body. Looking at the ceiling watching the floor. Fighting whatever is keeping you awake. Desperation of being un-awake, yet not sleeping. Dreaming of being awake.

The best sleep I get these days is when my girlfriend is with me. Sleep comes easily. I need only her at my side and nothing else. She is really good medicine.

Maybe the fact that I'm feeling my life is totally chaotic is affecting my sleep. Indeed I am a good friend of chaos.

The time to reorganize my life is coming back. I already feel the turmoil announcing it. The total waves of disorder, of lateral actions taking place. Priorities going totally unnoticed.

This is a good omen at least. Wished I could break the cycle. Wished I could find a new loop to enter. This chaos-order cycle is driving me nuts.

Two exams. Two red grades. The duality of the universe revolves on the possibility of everything either working or not.

This time it didn't. Guess I just started hating math some more.

So, finally september is over. Two very difficult exams got me right in my nerves. I had to break some old bad habits and it was really a test of willpower.

But it is finally over, for the time being. I feel now lighter, faster and meaner.

In the Dune novel, the Bene Gesserit used the following chanted words to reduce their fear.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will allow my fear to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone I will turn my inner eye to see its path. And where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

(extracted from wikipedia.net, GPL'ed text)

We are weird creatures. We cannot accept facts as they are, neither we do what we need because we are told to.

We are creatures ever in need of motivation. Only through pressure we work, we produce, we act.

That's why some people have faith, or some higher strenght driving them toward their goals. Without a goal, and without some power driving you to your goal, you are dead.

We see some people working straight without doubt, like true zealots of their master. Like fingers of a sobrenatural hand.

Where is this Hand? Who is this Master? And what is a far more funnier question, where is my Hand, or my Master.

I always took pride in being free, choosing my own path, being my own Master.

What if I'm not ready to be the Master? What if I cannot choose properly what I need?

Of course, I don't mean I want a new Master. I still want to be free. But this means the Master here needs some new tricks.

How do you learn to master yourself? I've been lazy all these past months, not understanding what was happening to me. Not willing to understand, desiring time to solve things by itself. Then I found letting time pass didn't solve a thing.

Is this the secret all those unstoppable people know? Do they work around the clock, simply because they know this secret? Is there any secret at all? This is fun. :) We circle around the truth, trying to find the end of the circle. Of course basic geometry says there is no end of the circle.

Is this the proof there is no truth? :)

I'm still searching the cure for lazyness.

However, I found some starting hints:

1 - Leaving your bedroom is a good start. I kept my computer in my bedroom, using the bed as a seat. It doesn't work. Really.

2 - Don't stop the music. Yeah, music makes your mind work. You can't think if you keep watching the ceiling. If you at least is dancing or thinking about the lyrics or listening at the beat, you have a better chance of getting some work done.

3 - Turn off any instant messengers you have, that's obvious, if you keep chatting around, you get nothing done.

For now, these are the hints. They're not 100% effective, but they're helping me a bit. I shall be adding more results, as they appear. This is my number one problem right now, I'm serious about solving it forever.

I'm the kind of guy that spends a good time thinking.

All those years thinking made me observe some patterns in my own behaviour.

There are two opposite patterns (among others) I want to talk about now.

The first is a very strong creative burst I feel sometimes. They are really strong when I feel them, Some years ago, I couldn't recognize them, now I know everytime when I'm having one. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

The second one is the one I'm experiencing right now. I've been thru it some months already, and just now I recognize it as a very important aspect of myself (that needs some work, I guess). It is total lazyness. hehe

It's tough to admit it, but it is happening right now, and it is very strong too. I have no idea whether this will end by itself, like the tidal waves, or if it will require some, or better saying, a lot of willpower.

The list of tasks to do is big. I've got so many different, totally unrelated tasks to complete that I'm feeling a bit lost. Of course I know some tactics to break this problem. I've already made tasklists, I've even have some idea how long those will take. The problem is I have no real intention of doing them. And this is really a serious problem. Unmotivated nothing can get accomplished.

So, for the time being, I will keep attacking the tasks one-by-one, albeit not wanting to do them, but really, the problem is unsolved, until I can understand it properly, which of course, will demand some more thinking. That's not really a problem in The Log of Eternal Worries.

I always missed listening to some music with a love and peace theme. Something with a bit of hope in it, without that desperate search for these things.

For the first time I'm listening to Bob Marley, thanks to a friend of mine that lent me his collection.

My search is over. Really beautiful, simple yet powerfull lyrics.

It's a pity people have this wrong image of him, simply because he chose a path most people disaprove. His music is a work of art. My soul is light, my heart full of happiness. You don't need drugs to understand reggae. Just listen to his music.

I'm desperately searching for the God of Mathematics. I really need to make a sacrifice to Him and ask for grades in Calculus I.

If you know Him, or know his e-mail or something, please send me a message so I can contact Him. Really.

My only fear is that He asks me to do calculus exercises. That really would be a sacrifice to big for my mortal mind.

We are nearing a year of my father's death.

Since the next weeks will be very busy, here is a great quote, from Roland of Gilead and Eddie of New York, taken from The Dark Tower by Stephen King (some parts cut):

"Say your lesson, Eddie. And be true"

"I do not shoot with my hand; he who shoots with his hand has forgotten the face of his father."
"I do not aim with my hand; he who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father."
"I aim with my eye."
"I do not kill with my gun; he who kills with his gun has forgotten the face of his father."
"I kill with my heart."

This is a prayer, and the few gunslingers that still exist (there are only 4 of them) know this prayer by heart.

I'm no gunslinger. I don't carry guns. I don't shoot people. Yet, I haven't forgot the face of my father. In my heart, in my every act of will, I never forget the face of my father.

Life is short.

And you live only once. When it is done, you are done.

There are no extra lifes. This is no video-game, there are no cheats, no tricks, no trainers.

Today I've got the scary news of a girl that killed herself. She had worked before at my former job, the one owned by my uncle.

It is totally weird. Even if I lost totally the will to live, even if I felt there was no hope. I guess it would be very difficult to suicide.

Actually I have plans if I get so hopeless, but none of my plans include suicide. I could pack my stuff and disappear. I could enter a Buddhist Monastery... Maybe I would even enter some sort of mental institution (hehe). But never I'd forfeit my only life.

I guess this "you live only once" attitude I developed is a big lifesaver. I don't need to destroy my life because I don't like it. It is already destroyed in a sense. All I must do is find another starting point and try again.

You don't live twice, you don't ressurect in a baby, you don't go to heaven, nor hell.

There is no heaven nor hell. Actually there is, but it is inside yourself.

That's why I live in Nirvana. Or rather, I am Nirvana.Nirvana is not heaven. It is peace and the knowledge of this unbelievable clockwork called the Universe. We all are Nirvana because we are all part of the engine. There is no god except when you believe one exists, and it exists only inside yourself then.

That's what makes my life so rich, so colorfull, so happy. I love myself. Now please don't get me wrong. I don't mean I am one sick guy full of pride. There is pride, but my self-love is more like being self-aware. And being aware of myself is what makes me happy.

I'm feeling back in time. About 2 months, take or give a few days.

I just deleted all my work in my actual project. I got that nice feeling of letting go, letting roll and going down the rollercoaster.

Of course I'll have to redo everything again. Just for the fun of it.

You can say it is code refactoring in the most radical sense of computer science methodology.

Sweet nights ahead.